10 Things We Wish We Could Say On A First Date But Can’t

They say first dates are like job interviews with cocktails, but would it really be so terrible if that were the case?

In a job interview, you can make your expectations of any candidates abundantly clear. You expect them to be punctual at all times and it’s okay to say so.

After you hire them, you put them on a three-month probationary period without any benefits until said trial period is completed.

When it comes to dating, you want all of the same things, only you can’t say them out loud without being judged.

If we could all just be honest about our expectations from the start, we’d save ourselves the time and effort of dating someone with whom we’re just not that compatible.

If everyone said exactly what they wanted on first dates, we’d probably avoid a hell of a lot of time and heartache down the line.

So, why can’t we just say the truth? Here are 10 first-dates sentiment we wish we had the balls to actually express:

1. “I kiss on a first date. If my tongue isn’t in your mouth by 1 am, it means I’m not interested.”

Saying this sure beats spending the next two weeks avoiding his requests for a second date and sending fake, “work is manic” texts, while you eat ice cream with your friends and give them the details of your incredibly awkward date.


2. “I’m probably never going to agree to a threesome. If you date me, that’s off the table, forever.”

Followed by, “In fact, while we’re on the topic of sex, you should know my boobs aren’t actually this big, I’m wearing a super padded bra, sorry.”


3. “We’re not having sex until our seventh date. Yes I will be counting.”

Roughly translated to, “If you’re only here for the good stuff, you better move along because this, right here, is a packaged deal.”


4. “From this moment on, we are exclusive. If you are dating other people, stop.”

Why is that so hard to say? Surely, if you’ve waxed your legs, put on matching underwear and attempted to eat your pizza with a knife and fork, you’ve made enough effort to warrant fidelity while you enjoy a string of biweekly dates.

In exchange, I’m sure that if he’s paying for your chicken parmesan and making an effort not to look directly at your cleavage (despite your purposely low-cut top), he’d appreciate it if you didn’t spend the other five nights of the week with your tongue in someone else’s mouth. I mean, that’s fair, right?


5. “If at any point in our relationship you decide to ask me how many men I’ve slept with, I will be forced to lie.”

Because there is honestly no right answer. Ultimately, your new man doesn’t want to imagine you with your old man (or men), so any number you offer won’t please him.

So, you decide to lie, blurt out a ridiculously low number, which you then proceed to forget and spend the rest of your relationship hoping to God the conversation never comes up again because two years later, you may not remember whatever fictionalized number you gave, but he sure will.


6. “At the end of this date, I’ll offer to pay half the bill. Be aware, it’s a test.”

While us ladies are more than capable of paying for our own mojitos, we’d rather not. At least not until date number two or three, anyway.

Despite our feeble mumblings about being “happy to split the bill,” the fact of the matter is, he should be kind enough to pay on a first date and in return, we will be gracious enough not to order the most expensive thing on the menu.


7. “My ex took two years to introduce me to his mom. That’s not going to fly this time around.”

If we could be honest about where our last relationships went wrong and use our previous grievances as cautionary tales to subsequent lovers, perhaps we could all stop history from repeating itself.

You can tell him that you expect to meet his family on or before your six-month anniversary and he can tell you he expects to spend every Friday night at the gym with his boys without you complaining about it. Just like that, you both know what to expect from each other.

But, alas, ranting about your last boyfriend to your potential future boyfriend is a pretty bad idea.


8. “Speaking of exes… yours isn’t a problem, is she?”

If you have a past, so does he. While your past may be enjoying the “Game of Thrones” box set you brought him, his ex might still be in the picture.

Is it acceptable to ask? Probably not. Do you even want him thinking about her on your first date? No. Is she fully aware that the two of you are out right now? Probably.

If you go to the toilet, will he check his phone only to find seven missed calls from her? You will never know.

Should you consider her competition? Dear God, you hope not.


9. “Do you think I’m as hot in real life as I am in my Instagram pics?”

If you have Instagram and your profile is not on private, he probably had an extensive pre-date scroll and has seen every one of the 172 photos you posted in the last year.

Instagram filters may be our friends when it comes to getting “likes,” but since you can’t walk around with a permanent Valencia filter on your face, there’s always the fear that when he reports back to his friends you’ll be described as “prettier in pictures.”

This is only made worse by the fact that you don’t even think you’re that photogenic in the first place.


10. “Wait… You are looking for a long-term girlfriend, right?”

Just because a boy takes you on a date doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a girlfriend.

But, since asking what his intentions are before you even finish your first meal together might scare him off, it’s best to just avoid the question and hope that your witty personality and dazzling smile are enough to make him eventually want to change his Facebook status to in a relationship (with you).

Admittedly, when it comes to first dates, what we want to say and what is socially acceptable don’t always correlate, but for the sake of romance (and self-preservation) maybe it is best we keep some things to ourselves. At the very least, until he starts to like you.

10 Things We Wish We Could Say On A First Date But Can’t

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10 Things You Need To Just Accept Before You Can Be Truly Happy

In life, there is no manual or 10-step guide to happiness.

No one can explain why those who seem to have it all sometimes feel empty inside, while others who have almost nothing walk around with a constant smile on their faces.

There is no logical formula for happiness and no tangible item that can promise long-term joy.

Many of us walk through life feeling underwhelmed with our existence, and believing happiness is something of which we are in pursuit, as opposed to something we possess.

We set goals, believing certain things will make us happy: having more money, having that car, buying a house or even those shoes.

Then, once we have said things, we cannot comprehend why we still feel the same. The thing is, no one knows what happiness is or how to achieve it (not even those who have it).

But, if we work around the assumption that happiness is a frame of mind, there are some things we need to work on accepting before we can ever truly achieve it:

1. You can’t control everything — get used to it.

Instead of obsessing about things you can’t change, take control of the things you can.

You can’t follow the same routine and expect a different outcome. In order for your life to change, you have to make some changes.


2. Your life might turn out differently from what you planned or expected.

Everyone has a vision of what life might look like five or 10 years down the line.

Subsequently, every one of us is living in the shadows of our unfulfilled expectations and plans, and we find ourselves saying things like, “I thought I’d be rich by now,” or “I thought I’d be engaged by now.”

The fact of the matter is your life may very well take a different route than what you had envisioned, but just because the journey is different to what you expected, doesn’t mean you won’t reach the same destination in the end.


3. There will always be bumps in the road.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.

Your life is never going to be perfect because there’s no such thing. We spend so much of our time complaining about what could be better, instead of focusing on the things which are pretty damn good.

The truth is you’ll never be happy if you spend too much time focusing on your shortcomings because eventually, they are all you’ll be able to see.


4. There will always be someone whose life is better than yours.

The secret to happiness is to stop comparing yourself to others.


5. Accept that your life is working out exactly how it’s meant to.

We believe things happen for a reason because we have to. The thought that every tiny action is a catalyst to more random events, and that even the smallest decision could change the entire outcome of our future, is too terrifying to contemplate, so don’t.

Let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening — it’s happening for a reason (well, probably).


6. Remember, there’s only so much you can control.

The rest is down to luck and timing. Have faith in your own story; it’s not over yet, and even if you’re unhappy now, there may be a plot twist in chapter 19.


7. You’ve made some mistakes and you’ll probably make some more.

It’s not the end of the world.

Instead of worrying about every small regret, ask yourself, “Will this matter in a year?” If the answer is “no,” then, perhaps, it’s not something you should spend hours worrying about.


8. You can’t keep everyone happy.

If you spend too much time trying to please others, you’ll end up pleasing everyone but yourself.

Learn to say “no” every now and then because, sometimes, you just need to focus on the things important to you.


9. Some things are out of your control — let them happen.

Fighting things you can’t control is a waste of your energy.

You can’t smash a plate and expect to control where the pieces fall. When times are tough, it’s best to let the pieces fall where they may and then work on putting them all back together again.


10. Set some goals, then demolish them.

Life is more exciting when it’s filled with possibilities. Set some goals and then work toward achieving something you want.

While you’re at it, try to remember being happy isn’t about accomplishing everything you have on your to-do list, but how much fun you have while attempting to achieve each and every life goal.

10 Things You Need To Just Accept Before You Can Be Truly Happy

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9 Signs You’ve Become The Jealous Girlfriend Type You Used To Judge

Take a seemingly normal and sane woman and pair her with a player. It’s only a matter of time before she becomes a little unhinged.

The irony of this is that prior to said unhinging, other females, who sent 17 messages in a row to men they dated, were objects of formerly sane woman’s conversational ridicule.

The fact of the matter is, every girl makes fun of other clingy girls — until she becomes one.

When it comes to relationships, some men bring out the best in us, and others bring out the absolute worst.

Whilst I don’t like to place blame (as every relationship differs), I don’t think it’s entirely unfair to say that when a girl likes a guy who is sending mixed signals, it can often result in extreme and irrational female behavior.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Let’s see if this rings a bell. Possible signs include:

1. Checking his WhatsApp more than 30 times a day to see if he’s online.

Let’s set the record straight: Just because you are dating someone and technology permits it does not mean you need to be in contact with each other every waking moment of the day.

If you both replied to each other’s texts instantaneously, you’d have very little time for anything else.

Despite what you may believe, if a man doesn’t reply to your text, his phone hasn’t spontaneously started to reject your messages.

He didn’t accidentally block your number and I’m pretty certain he didn’t “reply but forget to press send.” He got your text; he just can’t reply right now, or simply doesn’t want to.

Stop checking if he’s online, as it’s of no consequence whether or not he is. He will reply when he can talk.


2. You know every girl’s username who has ever commented on one of his Instagram pictures.

And, you stalk them on a regular basis.


3. You’re obsessed with which one of you has the “power” in the relationship.

You create imaginary plans on nights he wants to meet up so you’re not “too available,” and you take note, down to the minute, how long it takes for him to reply to your texts.

Then, you wait even longer to reply to his, so he doesn’t think he’s affecting you. After all, everyone knows the person who cares the least in a relationship is the one who has the power.

Whilst some girls think this is a dating norm, I think the “he took an hour to reply, so I’ll take an hour and ten minutes” is an unhealthy start to any relationship.

In the world of dating, there’s nothing wrong with replying when you’re free, not based around any schedule.


4.You find yourself casually driving past his house to see if he’s home.

Also known as level-one stalking. What do you intend to do if he sees you? Roll your window down and wave? I think not.

Reverse back into your drive and abort mission.


5. You regularly visit his friends’ Facebook walls for any incriminating evidence from their last night out.

You contemplate adding them, in order to gain greater access to his life outside of you.


6. Every time he takes his phone to the toilet with him, you’re convinced it’s because he has something to hide.

It doesn’t occur to you he may just want to scroll through his Instagram feed while on the toilet.

You make it your mission to manage some time alone with his phone so you can hunt for any incriminating evidence.


7. You’ve lied about an ex messaging you to make him jealous.

Because there’s nothing like a bit of jealousy to bring the spark back into the relationship.

There is, of course, a more logical side of you that knows this is wrong, but that side is easily silenced. You tell yourself you need proof he cares and using a little white lie to get it isn’t a big deal.

Not to play devil’s advocate, but it’s usually best to ignore the side of your brain that wants to use lies as a means of relationship progression.

It may start with a little fabrication about an ex, but where will it end? Probably with a false pregnancy scare and too many lies for you to keep track of.


8. You contemplate creating a fake Facebook profile of another woman with which to seduce him.

You know. Just to check and see if he’ll remain faithful.


9. You spend hours analyzing things he says and does with your friends.

If I’ve learned anything from relationships, it’s that when more than two people are involved, disasters ensue.

It’s impossible for your friends to give you unbiased opinions because more often than not, your account of his actions alone is one-sided.

Not to mention, your friends only see a tiny portion of your relationship, so any advice they give you should be taken with a grain of salt and not be considered gospel.

Nothing fuels irrational female behavior like out-of-context advice from other females.

Though, since we’re on the topic of advice, it won’t do any harm to mention that if your relationship causes this level of irate behavior, there’s a chance it may not be the right relationship for you.

9 Signs You’ve Become The Jealous Girlfriend Type You Used To Judge

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How Social Media Has Made Us Obsessed With Making Life Look Perfect

These days, appearances are everything.

People are more concerned with proving to the rest of the world that they’re having the time of their lives than actually enjoying themselves.

The 27 flawless “night out” pictures are more important than the night itself. If a girl purchases a new dress, it’s more likely for a new Facebook profile photo than an actually party.

Not to mention, going out without uploading a new Snapchat story or Instagram picture is inconceivable; without evidence of your escapades, as far as the world is concerned, they didn’t happen.

If you go to a bar, half the people in there will likely be on their phones. If they’re not taking selfies, they’re possibly on Tinder, happily meeting strangers through the Internet while scowling at the real-life ones around them who don’t even think about approaching for a real-life conversation.

As for who you’re actually talking to online, everyone on the Internet is selling you a dream. The thought of uploading a photo that is anything less than perfect is unimaginable, so every picture is taken with precision, the best lighting, best angle and most appealing filter.

Regarding first dates, well, thank God for restaurants with dim lighting. Plus, all that really matters is the hot profile picture he’ll show his friends of the girl he went on a date with, not so much what she actually looked like.

It’s not because his standards are low, but because when you remove the screen, you realize that little imperfections aren’t the end of the world; in fact, they are what make all of us human.

Then, of course, there are the people who have already found someone to love them. These are the ones who are in relationships, offline. For many of these couples, being in love is not enough and a relationship isn’t considered truly successful until it’s on Facebook.

If someone buys you flowers, in exchange, you have to take a picture and upload it. After all, what is the point of being happy if not everyone knows about it?

Singles begin to resent their newsfeeds because they just serve as reminders of an inability to find a partner, let alone someone who buys them flowers and takes them to Paris for the weekend.

Somehow, when faced with endless photos captioned “bae” and littered with love hearts, it’s easy to forget that people only post their best moments and choose to keep all their worst ones private. Your life may fall short of someone’s picture perfect one, but more often than not, so does the life of whomever posted it.

Logic aside, it seems that the success of any relationship is measured by how many pictures you each post with your significant other, and those who never post pictures are assumed to be in miserable relationships, leading unfulfilled lives.

And, it’s not just dating that’s the issue.

Sometimes I wonder if people arrange to meet up with their friends because they miss them or because they haven’t updated their Snapchat stories in six hours and need some new material to prove to the world they’re having a good time.

The fact of the matter is, brag culture has resulted in us being too busy narrating our lives online that we’re forgetting to live them. Trust me, no great story ever started with “Hey, remember that time we took 37 photos in your car…?”

Life is now a popularity contest, and it seems that the popularity is less dependent on how many friends you have and is more a reflection of how many Twitter followers you possess.

Girls upload Instagram pictures and then delete them the next day if they did not receive a sufficient number of “likes” because that alone is considered a reflection of how many people like them in real life.

Don’t let social media fool you. There are people who have hardly any likes on their Instagram pictures, but still have lots of friends, and others with hundreds of likes despite being the loneliest people of all.

There are couples who seldom upload pictures or share online declarations of their love, who are happier than the ones who share every “date night” in your Twitter feed.

There are people who don’t brag, who are halfway to a deposit on their first house and others who are pictured in VIP every Saturday night who don’t have a penny to their names.

So, don’t believe everything you see online because appearances are just that.

How Social Media Has Made Us Obsessed With Making Life Look Perfect

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Small Boobs Struggles: 10 Things Only People With A-Cups Understand

While every woman should love herself exactly as she is, some of us have more to love than others — five or six cups more to be precise.

You see, for every girl in the world with a great rack, there’s another girl out there, for whom the term “cleavage” is some kind of sick joke.

Sadly, puberty did not do its best work with all of us, and many of us are destined to spend our entire adult lives without ever being able to utter the phrase, “My eyes are up here, you know?”

Not quite sure what I mean? Well, there are some things only small-boobed girls can understand.

1. Praying to the food Gods that the fried chicken you just ate goes straight to your boobs and not your thighs (again).

After years of dealing with, “Why don’t you try putting some weight on? I’m sure some of it will go to your boobs,” you finally decide to give it a go.

Despite all your better judgment, you attempt to put on weight in “all the right places.”

Does it work? Of course it doesn’t. Because, if life were that kind to you, it would have just graced you with bigger boobs to begin with.


2. Dating a new guy and wondering if he’ll feel conned once you take your XXL gel bra off.

Which goes hand in hand with having to casually bring up the fact you’re flat-chested on your third date to avoid the disappointment when he eventually takes your push-up bra off and realizes there’s nothing underneath.


3. Avoiding ever lying down naked in the fear they might disappear altogether.

Bra sex is hot, right? If he can keep his socks on, we can keep our bras on and that’s that.


4. Spending your life secretly dreading the day your 13-year-old cousin hits puberty and develops bigger breasts than you.

You’re not entirely sure how unethical it is to hope she got the small boob gene too, but, fingers crossed…


5. Having to resist bitch slapping people who say things like, “You’re so lucky, I bet you don’t even need to wear a bra.”

To be clear, not wearing a bra is pointless because (believe it or not) it only makes them look smaller. Not to mention, I don’t need everyone to know every time I’m feeling a little bit chilly.


6. Convincing your doctor to put you on a contraceptive pill because it might increase your cup size. (It never does.)

If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase, “My boobs have gotten enormous since I went on the pill,” I’d probably be able to afford the breast enlargement surgery I so desperately need.

Though, for the record, breast enlargement by contraceptive pill is largely ineffective; it only ever seems to work on women who have breasts to enlarge (my doctors words, not mine).


7. Having a nice ass but no boobs to match.

If squatting makes your bum bigger, then surely pushups should make your boobs bigger? But, alas, no.

At best, you may end up with super toned boobs, which, in my experience so far, is rarely a quality men look for in women.


8. Having to use your gym membership because if you get fat, your stomach will stick out further than your breasts.

Believe me, that will only make them look smaller by contrast.


9. Boob sex is just never going to happen.

Find a partner who can live with that.


10. Having to deal with larger-breasted people claiming “padded bras are false advertising.”

Well, so is makeup, Photoshop, Spanx and filters on Instagram, but that doesn’t stop the rest of y’all, now does it?

Though, to be fair, the small-breasted life is not all doom and misery. For one, we can sleep on our stomachs without any discomfort.

We can run up the stairs without having to hold down the ladies; we save a fortune in underwear because bras cost like $10, and we will never, ever have to worry about sagging (like seriously, ever).

As if all that wasn’t great enough, you also never have to worry about a guy hitting on you just because of your great boobs. The perks of teeny tiny boobs? He probably just likes you for your great personality or awesome face (go you!).

Plus, if you ever do marry a man who likes big boobs and you’re up for it, you can get him to fork out the 10 grand it’s going to cost for breast augmentation (just claim they’re more for him than they are for you), and save your money for something that really matters, like wine.

…Or larger bras because I’ve heard those things are expensive when you’re not buying them from the Junior Miss section.

Small Boobs Struggles: 10 Things Only People With A-Cups Understand

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A Rookie’s Guide To Getting Fit

I can’t say I have always been interested in being fit or healthy because I haven’t. In fact the only consistent loves of my life are pizza and S’mores.

Then a combination of reaching my mid 20’s and the growing popularity of stretchy leggings as acceptable day attire meant the skinny jeans which once fit, suddenly became another item of clothing destined to hang in my cupboard forever. Or at least until car boot sale season came around and I could flog them for a pound, eradicating all evidence that I was once thin.

Then came the season of Crop Tops and Bralet’s and it dawned on me, that if I ever wanted to get out of leggings and into something non elasticated I was going to have to unhand the box of Oreo cookies and pick up the occasional carrot stick.

If all that sounds a bit too familiar but you don’t know the first thing about getting into shape, well first finish reading this blog and then consider getting someone to advise you on your fitness journey. Mine started with the help of a personal trainer who helped me set realistic goals and told me where I was going wrong; according to him, swapping lunch for chocolate was not an acceptable weight loss technique and upon reflection, perhaps he was right.

But since even a trainer can’t come to your house at 1am and confiscate the cookies from your hands, you have to accept that this journey is going to require some will power.

But first, the basics:

1. Commit To It
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You can’t lose weight on a half-hearted diet. I have been on a life long search of how to stay in shape without making any effort what so ever. It turns out, you can’t.

2. Set A Goal
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Your body goal is something only you can set. No one can tell you what size or shape is right for you. However, if the shape you want is not the shape you have, then set a target and work towards it.

3. Learn How To Eat
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I know what you’re thinking “Learn how to eat? What a load of old tosh. Eating is just about the only thing I do know how to do”. But trust me, eating and eating right are two different things.

Achieving the body you want is 30% exercise and 70% diet. Learn what foods can help maximize your results, cut down on salt and sugar, increase your protein and vegetable intake and don’t be scared of carbs. Excuse the cliché but, a good diet is a balanced one.

4. Exercise
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No, walking from your desk to the office kitchen doesn’t count.

Work out 3 times a week, don’t be afraid of weights and try exercising with a friend for extra motivation. If you make working out fun, you won’t dread it as much, in fact eventually you’ll start to look forward to it.

5. Establish a routine
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On average, it takes more than two months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact. So all  you have to do is stick to it for two months and then it will become part of your life. If you want to maintain a fit and healthy body you have to accept that it’s all about making a positive lifestyle change.

6. Understand where you’re going wrong
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Everyone has a vice; whether it’s too much alcohol, too much sugar or too much snacking on the wrong things, if you’re having trouble achieving your goal weight, you’re probably going wrong somewhere. I found that keeping a food diary was key in identifying where the extra weight was coming from.

Before you begin your diet, considering writing down everything you eat or drink for a week, after all, it’s hard to deny the truth when it’s written in front of you. My vices? Six cups of tea a day with 2 spoons of sugar each. Large meals after midnight and no breakfast resulting in large 11am pre-lunch, lunches.

7. Stop counting calories
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You don’t have to eat less, you just have to eat right. 2,000 daily calories in burgers, chocolate and fizzy drinks is never going to get you where you want. 2000 calories consisting of healthy meals, vegetables and low-fat snacks will.

8. Don’t turn a cheat meal into a cheat day
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Losing weight shouldn’t be slow and painful torture. If you fancy being a little bit bad, go ahead. Just remember that a cheat meal does not need to turn into a cheat day (or a cheat week). Change that “I’ll start on Monday” attitude to “I’ll start after this cupcake” and you’re half way to success. Well, figuratively speaking anyway.

9. Focus on your health, not your weight
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Work towards being a healthier person and the weight will sort itself out. In the mean time, don’t get caught up on what the scales show you, think “fat loss” not “weight loss”.

10. Don’t expect to work out once and wake up with a booty like Beyoncé.
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It just don’t work like that. 

It takes 4 weeks to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice and 12 weeks for the rest of the world. Keep at it and results will come.

As for the personal trainer part, if you’re in the market for someone to help you squat to your ideal bottom size, click here to check out mine.


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The Reason You’re Still Fat: Female Dieting Logic At Its Worst

Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” clearly never understood the beauty of a cupcake. Or wine. Or chocolate. Or pizza. That being said, I’ve tried the “eat everything in sight and hope for a miracle diet” and it was largely ineffective.

In fact, when it comes to losing weight, I think “ineffective” is the operative word, because in the world of dieting, it’s so very easy to go wrong. So very very wrong.

When it comes to female dieting logic, I’ve heard it all (and also said it all) because no one, and I mean no one, can rationalize a calorie away like a woman on a diet can:

“If I skip lunch, I’m allowed a snickers… it’s the same calories as my salad anyway”
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A calorie is a calorie right?! If two donuts have the same calorie content as a super-food salad, who’s to say it matters which of the two we eat… as long as we don’t eat both.

But what about fat content… or sugar content… or… oh you’ve already started eating the donuts. Never mind.

“Sunday is my cheat day”
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Someone who knows about diets: “Cheat day? Do you mean cheat meal?”

Me: “No I mean cheat day. I’ve ruined my diet already so I might as well persevere and eat all the junk food in the house, so there’s nothing left to tempt me tomorrow”.

“Marshmallows and jelly babies are fat-free… so they basically fall into the health food category”
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Now don’t quote me on this, but I’m almost certain strawberry laces are not one of your 5-a-day.

“Liquid calories aren’t really a thing… you pee them right out”
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A glass of wine has the same amount of calories as a large Cornetto ice cream (and let’s be honest, who ever stops at one glass?!). Alcohol contains seven calories a gram, in fact, almost as many as pure fat!

“I’ve got a tight dress to fit into tonight so I’m not eating anything today”
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Yep, done that. Usually followed by a 3am binge of anything and everything I can find. Plus toast. Because even if you get a bargain bucket on your way home… you needs some pre-bed toast. “To soak the alcohol up”.

“I barely eat anything but I’m putting on weight”
diet-eaten-twenty-minutes-gif

I, like many others, suffer from an increasingly widespread disorder known as “food related memory loss”. This involves eating 7 times a day, but only remembering 3 of them. But the truth is, if you’re putting on weight, you’re probably eating more than you think. Or you’re eating the wrong things.

Don’t believe me? Carry around a diary for one week and write everything you eat in it. The chances are you’ll be coming out as a secret eater by the end of it.

“Everything I eat when I come home after the gym doesn’t count”
still-thinking-about-food-gif

“After you work out, your body continues burning fat for another hour, so anything you eat within that hour doesn’t count. They’re free calories!” – Dumb s**t women say.

“I never eat breakfast… it makes me fat”
amy-poehler-waffle-breakfast-hospital-gif

Me for the first 24 years of my life: “I don’t eat breakfast, it awakens my appetite then I can’t stop eating all day”.
20 minutes later: *Eats waffle* “Yeah… this is lunch though. And I deserve it for making it to 1pm without eating”.

“I’ll have cereal for dinner to be healthy. One bowl, two bowl, three bowls… what difference does it make!?”
cereal-eating-gif

30 grams suggested serving size? Yeah I think that’s only for kids though…

“Coke Zero has the same calories as water… therefore it is basically water”
water-blonde-drinking-pour-gif-diet

Look, I’m no health expert, but one thing I know is that if a drink has no calories in it, but still tastes as good as its “full fat” counterpart, they’re putting some crazy s**t in there.

I know it sounds rich coming from the woman who thought alcohol can’t make you fat, but I’m sticking to my guns on this one. Drink some God damn water.

“Carbs are the devil. That bowl of pasta I ate last night is the sole reason for my impending obesity”
is-butter-a-carb-mean-girls-gif

Everything is okay in moderation. Plus, it’s all about eating the right carbs. Oatmeal for breakfast = good. French fries for dinner = bad.

But then, we must ask ourselves… what is life without the occasional fry?


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The 9 Bunny Boiler Moves Every Woman Makes When She’s Being Ignored

Nothing makes a women more mentally imbalanced than having to wait by her phone for a text. And the longer it takes to get a reply, the more irrational we seem to become.

The first port of call is always the ‘best friend’ who is on hand with logical advice which you totally intend on ignoring. “Maybe he’s busy, or at work. Maybe his phone ran out of battery, or he’s testing you to see if you’ll go nuts. Try not to think about it, he’ll text back soon”.

And you’re nodding like:

Jennifer Anniston Nodding

But then as soon as you’re left to your own devices, all that great advice somehow gets forgotten and you’re back to trying to come up with your own brilliant ideas for making him text back faster.

For the record, cross the following off your “maybe I should” list because trust me you shouldn’t. That is, unless you have been given any indication that this particular gentleman is slightly turned on by clingy and or desperate women.

1. Don’t Send Him 7 Increasingly Hysterical Texts Over 2 Days.
Crazy Girls Clingy GIF

Despite what you want to allow yourself to believe, his phone hasn’t spontaneously started to reject your messages. He didn’t accidentally block your number and I’m pretty certain he didn’t “reply but forget to press send”.

Whatever your logic, it’s wrong. He got your text, he just can’t reply right now, or simply doesn’t want to. Sending more texts is unlikely to help.

And for the record, re-sending the same message again is also pretty ridiculous. “Oh maybe he’ll think my phone just sent it twice accidentally”. Yes, maybe. Or, maybe he’ll think you’re insane.

2. Don’t Leave A Voice Mail
Awkward Gif phone call clingy

Cute voicemails are only cute when they aren’t preceded by three unanswered texts. If he’s ignoring you and you’re leaving adorable messages for him, you just seem a little desperate. And I was being nice when I said “a little”.

3. Do Not Get Your Friend To Call Him From Unknown Number
Mean Girls GIF

Classic girl move. After obsessing over the fact he hasn’t replied, you decide to put him through the “does he have his phone with him” test. Of course he’s with his phone! Is there anyone in this day and age who spends more than an hour apart from their beloved smart phone? Unless he was mugged (unlikely) he has his phone with him.

So if your plan is to call him from an unknown number, then act enraged when he picks up, I’m telling you, save those unlimited minutes and don’t bother. Whatever the reason for his silence, it is not that he is phone-less.

4. Don’t Drunk Dial
Closure Friends Rachel

Don’t call him after three glasses of wine to tell him what an idiot he is. You’re going for class and sophistication, not desperation and alcoholism.

By all means have your wine fest, go ahead and drunkenly bitch to your friends about what a “child” he’s being, but first put your phone somewhere, where drunk you can’t reach it. Sadly, “it wasn’t me, it was the vodka” is rarely accepted as an adequate excuse for drunk dialing.

5. DO NOT DO A DRIVE BY HIS HOUSE
Cher clueless oopst car drive

This move is also known as the “what the f*** is he doing, that he can’t stop for two seconds and text me back?”

First I must ask you, what possible difference could his location make to this situation? The beauty of mobile technology, is that it really doesn’t matter where the hell he is.

Secondly, what do you intend to do if he sees you? Roll your window down and wave? I think not… reverse back into your drive and abort mission.

6. Do Not Inbox Him On Facebook To Ask If He Got Your Texts
Phoebe Friends Stop The Madness Facebook

“Hey babe, did you get my text” roughly translates to “Hey babe, I’ve been sitting by my phone for 13 hours and if you don’t reply soon, I’m going to have an emotional meltdown and change my Facebook status to It’s Complicated“.

Don’t be that girl.

7. Don’t Try To “Casually” Bump Into Him
Barney Crazy Happenstance

What’s that? He tweeted that he was going to the pub and you just happened to bump into him there? This ones a total mystery, surely he’ll never put two and two together! That is, unless he didn’t have a partial lobotomy earlier that day.

8. Don’t Like All His Instagram Pictures While You Wait For A Reply
Britney hot

Pandering to his ego won’t help. Your 3 texts in a row already made it obvious that you like him. I promise you the issue is that you haven’t made your feelings clear enough.

9. Don’t Message His Friends To Ask Him To “Call You”
Call me

Because the only thing worse than him thinking you’re a bit clingy, is his friends thinking it too. Men who lack their own opinions, tend to just develop those of their friends. Plus, if he isn’t texting you, it’s unlikely his friends will take your side instead of his. When it comes to getting his boys involved… avoid avoid avoid.

I know you have images of them going back to him with a “why aren’t you texting her, she’s such a nice girl”. But guys don’t do that. The closest you’ll get is: “how did that chick you’re dating get my number?”

So now we’ve gone through what you can’t do, here’s what you can: Stop starring at your phone, stop checking to see if you’ve lost signal, stop asking your friends to text you to test if they’re coming through. Go out, enjoy your life.

I guarantee he’ll reply eventually, usually with a half baked excuse which you may or may not choose to believe, that parts totally up to you.

 


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Restaurant Review: Middeys

French Toast

French Toast

Cuisine: Cafe / Brasserie

Location: Cockfosters

Food: ?????
Atmosphere: ?????
Setting: ?????
Service: ?????

Come close food lovers and let me tell you about a place I know called Middeys.

For those of you who have yet to stumble across this retro little brasserie in the heart of Cockfosters let me assure you, their French toast alone is worth a visit.

Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice

Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice

Middeys boasts a stylist retro interior coupled with a fantastic dining experience. The staff were attentive, the menu is fairly extensive and the juices are freshly pressed.

At Middeys, as much thought is given to the presentation as it is the preparation; the juices are served in little jars, the signature breakfasts are eaten out of a frying pan and the fries come in little buckets.

The menu is a collaboration of original and classic dishes, each presented with it’s own Middeys touch. The French Toast is made with Brioche, the Eggs Royale come on toasted artisan sourdough, the pancakes are served with ricotta cream and the burgers are home made.

Mediterranean Breakfast and French Toast

Mediterranean Breakfast and French Toast

If like myself you know exactly what you like to eat, then you’ll be delighted to know that the Chefs are all too accommodating when it comes to making substitutions and additions to their menu items; because as I’m sure you can understand, sometimes you just need your pancakes with a side of Mediterranean sausage.

Taste and quality are at the heart of every dish and there is thought behind every component; if none of that serves to impress then I assure you, their freshly baked dessert selection will.

Dessert Selection

Dessert Selection

Whilst the desserts are not made in house, they are delivered fresh from a local bakery and do not disappoint in either taste or presentation. They offer a variety of macrons, fruit tarts and a range of very photogenic looking miniature cakes.

The menu is inexpensive,  the food arrives quickly and the tables are adequately spaced out. Parking can be a little bit of an issue if you’re visiting on a weekend, however I assure you once you’re inside, you’ll soon forget the 7 minutes it took you to find a spot for your car.


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The 8 D*ckheads Every Woman In Her 20’s Will Date

They say you have to kiss a few frogs before you actually meet prince charming, which in non Disney terms roughly translates to “you have to date a few twats before you meet Mr Right”.

For women, this tends to mean that your 20’s are filled with a lot of trial-and-error dating, which consists of one dead end relationship after another, until you finally meet someone who doesn’t make you want to turn to drinking and/or violence.

Until then, there is a whole array of d**kheads which we can work our way through, and let’s be honest, if you say you haven’t dated at least one of the following, you’d probably be lying:

The Fear Of Commitment Dude
fear-of-comittment-scared-men-dating-gif

You know the one. This is the guy you date for a year who still won’t change his relationship status on Facebook, or so much as call you his girlfriend to his mates. He wants the perks of a relationship without the pressure of putting any sort of label on it. He doesn’t feel he has to text you every day, because he’s a “free spirit” and isn’t ready for all that serious stuff.

He will ultimately break up with you, because, despite the fact you’ve never so much as mentioned him meeting your parents, he’s inwardly paranoid that you’ve been organising your wedding since the moment you met.

The Patronizing 30 Year Old Dude
Older-men-serious-patronising-hello-kitty-gif

Eventually, every 20 something girl will make the executive decision to date an older man. She’s worked her way through enough “boys” who don’t know how to treat her right and decided that she needs an older, more mature lover. Someone who can afford to take her on fabulous dates and isn’t afraid of discussing the future.

The trouble with “older” men is that you’re now considered the “immature” one in the relationship. They don’t understand why you need to go clubbing, wear short dresses or get drunk on Apple Sours and before you know it you’re the one deemed not serious enough.

The “I’m Not Ready For A Relationship” But Is Dating Someone Else 2 Weeks Later Dude

millie-made-in-chelsea-slap-gif-angry

There’s always one guy, who wants to “keep it casual” with you because of some half baked excuse or other. He’s just come out of a serious relationship or he’s focusing on his career right now (blah blah).

You date him because you’re fabulous and you’re sure that he’ll change his mind once he gets to know you. But, when true to form you fail to get him to commit you call it a day, usually on fairly good terms because lets face it, the boy already told you that he wasn’t ready for love.

It’s all fine. That is until one month later, you find out that Mr. I’m Not Ready is dating someone else.

The Overly Attached Dude
please-leave-me-alone-gif

Then there are the ones who want you a little bit too much.

I know how this sounds… one minute we’re moaning that men don’t want to settle down and the next minute we’re saying they’re too clingy. These poor fella’s just can’t win.

But any girl who has dated an “overly attached guy” knows exactly what I mean. You’ve been on two dates and he’s talking about the future, tries to introduce you to his mum and texts you every waking moment of the God damn day. He’s constantly telling you he misses you (even though he was with you 30 minutes ago) and despite the fact you don’t even know his surname yet, he’s acting like you are the love of his life.

The Can’t Kiss For S**t Dude
bad-kisser-tongue-face-licking-blonde-date

It has been said that these creatures are the most deceptive of all, because on the outside they look just like me and you. Sexy, smart, clever, confident and witty. FINALLY a guy you can get on board with.

They drop you off at the end of your first date and lean in to make this good date even better.

Of course it’s only after he’s finished prodding your tonsils with his tongue that you work out how on earth this amazing catch is still single. At this point you ask yourself three questions: 1. Can I fix this 2. Is my lip bruised 3. I wonder if I change my number if he’ll get the hint.

The “I’m Not Like Other Guys” Dude
promise-nice-guy

Guys who claim they “aren’t like other guys” are the worst kind of guys. They are the ones who know they are d***heads and make a conscious effort to cover it up.

The Cheapskate Dude
you-get-nothing-cheap-cheapskate-gif

This is the classic “shall we go for a drive” guy. Because driving to McDonald’s for a milkshake and 6 nuggets is a hell of a lot cheaper than taking you to dinner.

If you agree to the drive you should know that date two will then be “do you want to come over for a movie” because why the hell should he pay £40 for cinema tickets and popcorn when he can download the damn thing for free and serve you those fancy chili crisps his mum brought last week.

The “Do You Really Need To Go Out With Your Friends” Dude
boring-fun-stay-home-gif

The controlling guy. He’s always complaining about something or other because he likes to establish his dominance whenever and wherever possible. A dog wee’s on a tree to mark his territory. A controlling man pisses all over your parade to establish his.

Despite his other very wonderful qualities, eventually you know you’re going to ditch him, because frankly, no grown woman likes being told what to do. Except in the bedroom maybe.


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