While every woman should love herself exactly as she is, some of us have more to love than others — five or six cups more to be precise.
You see, for every girl in the world with a great rack, there’s another girl out there, for whom the term “cleavage” is some kind of sick joke.
Sadly, puberty did not do its best work with all of us, and many of us are destined to spend our entire adult lives without ever being able to utter the phrase, “My eyes are up here, you know?”
Not quite sure what I mean? Well, there are some things only small-boobed girls can understand.
1. Praying to the food Gods that the fried chicken you just ate goes straight to your boobs and not your thighs (again).
After years of dealing with, “Why don’t you try putting some weight on? I’m sure some of it will go to your boobs,” you finally decide to give it a go.
Despite all your better judgment, you attempt to put on weight in “all the right places.”
Does it work? Of course it doesn’t. Because, if life were that kind to you, it would have just graced you with bigger boobs to begin with.
2. Dating a new guy and wondering if he’ll feel conned once you take your XXL gel bra off.
Which goes hand in hand with having to casually bring up the fact you’re flat-chested on your third date to avoid the disappointment when he eventually takes your push-up bra off and realizes there’s nothing underneath.
3. Avoiding ever lying down naked in the fear they might disappear altogether.
Bra sex is hot, right? If he can keep his socks on, we can keep our bras on and that’s that.
4. Spending your life secretly dreading the day your 13-year-old cousin hits puberty and develops bigger breasts than you.
You’re not entirely sure how unethical it is to hope she got the small boob gene too, but, fingers crossed…
5. Having to resist bitch slapping people who say things like, “You’re so lucky, I bet you don’t even need to wear a bra.”
To be clear, not wearing a bra is pointless because (believe it or not) it only makes them look smaller. Not to mention, I don’t need everyone to know every time I’m feeling a little bit chilly.
6. Convincing your doctor to put you on a contraceptive pill because it might increase your cup size. (It never does.)
If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase, “My boobs have gotten enormous since I went on the pill,” I’d probably be able to afford the breast enlargement surgery I so desperately need.
Though, for the record, breast enlargement by contraceptive pill is largely ineffective; it only ever seems to work on women who have breasts to enlarge (my doctors words, not mine).
7. Having a nice ass but no boobs to match.
If squatting makes your bum bigger, then surely pushups should make your boobs bigger? But, alas, no.
At best, you may end up with super toned boobs, which, in my experience so far, is rarely a quality men look for in women.
8. Having to use your gym membership because if you get fat, your stomach will stick out further than your breasts.
Believe me, that will only make them look smaller by contrast.
9. Boob sex is just never going to happen.
Find a partner who can live with that.
10. Having to deal with larger-breasted people claiming “padded bras are false advertising.”
Well, so is makeup, Photoshop, Spanx and filters on Instagram, but that doesn’t stop the rest of y’all, now does it?
Though, to be fair, the small-breasted life is not all doom and misery. For one, we can sleep on our stomachs without any discomfort.
We can run up the stairs without having to hold down the ladies; we save a fortune in underwear because bras cost like $10, and we will never, ever have to worry about sagging (like seriously, ever).
As if all that wasn’t great enough, you also never have to worry about a guy hitting on you just because of your great boobs. The perks of teeny tiny boobs? He probably just likes you for your great personality or awesome face (go you!).
Plus, if you ever do marry a man who likes big boobs and you’re up for it, you can get him to fork out the 10 grand it’s going to cost for breast augmentation (just claim they’re more for him than they are for you), and save your money for something that really matters, like wine.
…Or larger bras because I’ve heard those things are expensive when you’re not buying them from the Junior Miss section.