It is a widely-accepted fact that the only thing more annoying than overly-affectionate couples in real life are overly-affectionate couples on Facebook.
These couples haunt your every online move.
They’re there during every lunchtime stalking session and they’re there during every casual evening scroll, confirming their unending love for each other, one annoying status at a time.
Though, to be clear, the statuses are just the tip of the very annoying Facebook-relationship-themed iceberg.
When it comes to Facebook couple faux pas, there are a few things that just need to stop:
1. Couples that make joint Facebook accounts
First of all, who gets custody of Facebook if the two of you break up? Second of all, whose birthday is June 17?
Or, should I assume you both share a birthday as well as a personality and a Facebook page?
2. The couple that really should just save that sh*t for text messages
Good night texts, I understand. The need to post goodnight messages on each other’s Facebook walls, I’m not so sure about.
You announce things through Facebook statuses that you could easily tell each other privately. “I had the best night ever with my baby.”
Um peer over to your phone for a moment; is that not him right there? Great, now say it to him and get off my newsfeed.
3. The over-sharers
You know everything from where their last date was, to what she wore to how they got there.
In fact, thanks to the array of pictures and statuses, you kind of feel like a third and very unwilling participant to their relationship.
4. The kissing selfie couples
The only thing harder than enduring these photos in my newsfeed is enduring the array of hashtags that come with them.
#Cute #Couple #InLove #MyBoyfriendIsSuchAHottie #LuckiestGirlInTheWorld
5. The couples that celebrates every “monthiversary” with a photo collage.
I don’t know why InstaCollage was created, but for the love of God, this can’t be it.
If you want to celebrate a monthly milestone of your relationship, please do so privately.
I am willing to hear about your anniversary once a year, which is the same courtesy I extend not only to other couples, but to my own relationships, too.
6. The wedding status whores
Great. Now I’m going to have to like this just so I don’t seem bitter.
7. The on-again-off-again couple
You’ve changed your relationship status more times than Justin Bieber’s been on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.”
Yes, everyone argues, but the rest of us have the decency to at least try to hide it from the rest of the world.
8. The “I can’t believe I’m dating my best friend” couples
Because let me tell you, your actual best friend who just read that, (the one who held your hair while you vomited up your first tequila shot, and the very same one who helped you pick an outfit for your first date with this dude) is not impressed.
9. Couples that uses “bae” when referring to each other.
I want it to end.
10. Couples that comment on every single one of each other’s photos, in case anyone missed the fact they are a couple.
We get it; you are in love and you want to make sure any “single” people who come across your other half’s Facebook page know it.
When it comes to over-sharing couples on Facebook, if you’re single, it’s a little nauseating and if you’re in a relationship, they start to make you wonder if you’re coupling correctly.
The truth is, Facebook couples make us die a little inside because while we’re busy judging them, they’re too busy being too in love to even care.
Though, in all fairness, my issue isn’t so much their inability to go five minutes without clogging up my newsfeed with their love, but rather the fact we all know they’re not doing it for the benefit of their boyfriend or girlfriend, but for the benefit of everyone else.