They say first dates are like job interviews with cocktails, but would it really be so terrible if that were the case?
In a job interview, you can make your expectations of any candidates abundantly clear. You expect them to be punctual at all times and it’s okay to say so.
After you hire them, you put them on a three-month probationary period without any benefits until said trial period is completed.
When it comes to dating, you want all of the same things, only you can’t say them out loud without being judged.
If we could all just be honest about our expectations from the start, we’d save ourselves the time and effort of dating someone with whom we’re just not that compatible.
If everyone said exactly what they wanted on first dates, we’d probably avoid a hell of a lot of time and heartache down the line.
So, why can’t we just say the truth? Here are 10 first-dates sentiment we wish we had the balls to actually express:
1. “I kiss on a first date. If my tongue isn’t in your mouth by 1 am, it means I’m not interested.”
Saying this sure beats spending the next two weeks avoiding his requests for a second date and sending fake, “work is manic” texts, while you eat ice cream with your friends and give them the details of your incredibly awkward date.
2. “I’m probably never going to agree to a threesome. If you date me, that’s off the table, forever.”
Followed by, “In fact, while we’re on the topic of sex, you should know my boobs aren’t actually this big, I’m wearing a super padded bra, sorry.”
3. “We’re not having sex until our seventh date. Yes I will be counting.”
Roughly translated to, “If you’re only here for the good stuff, you better move along because this, right here, is a packaged deal.”
4. “From this moment on, we are exclusive. If you are dating other people, stop.”
Why is that so hard to say? Surely, if you’ve waxed your legs, put on matching underwear and attempted to eat your pizza with a knife and fork, you’ve made enough effort to warrant fidelity while you enjoy a string of biweekly dates.
In exchange, I’m sure that if he’s paying for your chicken parmesan and making an effort not to look directly at your cleavage (despite your purposely low-cut top), he’d appreciate it if you didn’t spend the other five nights of the week with your tongue in someone else’s mouth. I mean, that’s fair, right?
5. “If at any point in our relationship you decide to ask me how many men I’ve slept with, I will be forced to lie.”
Because there is honestly no right answer. Ultimately, your new man doesn’t want to imagine you with your old man (or men), so any number you offer won’t please him.
So, you decide to lie, blurt out a ridiculously low number, which you then proceed to forget and spend the rest of your relationship hoping to God the conversation never comes up again because two years later, you may not remember whatever fictionalized number you gave, but he sure will.
6. “At the end of this date, I’ll offer to pay half the bill. Be aware, it’s a test.”
While us ladies are more than capable of paying for our own mojitos, we’d rather not. At least not until date number two or three, anyway.
Despite our feeble mumblings about being “happy to split the bill,” the fact of the matter is, he should be kind enough to pay on a first date and in return, we will be gracious enough not to order the most expensive thing on the menu.
7. “My ex took two years to introduce me to his mom. That’s not going to fly this time around.”
If we could be honest about where our last relationships went wrong and use our previous grievances as cautionary tales to subsequent lovers, perhaps we could all stop history from repeating itself.
You can tell him that you expect to meet his family on or before your six-month anniversary and he can tell you he expects to spend every Friday night at the gym with his boys without you complaining about it. Just like that, you both know what to expect from each other.
But, alas, ranting about your last boyfriend to your potential future boyfriend is a pretty bad idea.
8. “Speaking of exes… yours isn’t a problem, is she?”
If you have a past, so does he. While your past may be enjoying the “Game of Thrones” box set you brought him, his ex might still be in the picture.
Is it acceptable to ask? Probably not. Do you even want him thinking about her on your first date? No. Is she fully aware that the two of you are out right now? Probably.
If you go to the toilet, will he check his phone only to find seven missed calls from her? You will never know.
Should you consider her competition? Dear God, you hope not.
9. “Do you think I’m as hot in real life as I am in my Instagram pics?”
If you have Instagram and your profile is not on private, he probably had an extensive pre-date scroll and has seen every one of the 172 photos you posted in the last year.
Instagram filters may be our friends when it comes to getting “likes,” but since you can’t walk around with a permanent Valencia filter on your face, there’s always the fear that when he reports back to his friends you’ll be described as “prettier in pictures.”
This is only made worse by the fact that you don’t even think you’re that photogenic in the first place.
10. “Wait… You are looking for a long-term girlfriend, right?”
Just because a boy takes you on a date doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a girlfriend.
But, since asking what his intentions are before you even finish your first meal together might scare him off, it’s best to just avoid the question and hope that your witty personality and dazzling smile are enough to make him eventually want to change his Facebook status to in a relationship (with you).
Admittedly, when it comes to first dates, what we want to say and what is socially acceptable don’t always correlate, but for the sake of romance (and self-preservation) maybe it is best we keep some things to ourselves. At the very least, until he starts to like you.