9 Undeniable Signs You Hate Your Job And It’s Ruining Your Life

Sure, you dread Mondays more than the dentist, and yes you need three cups of coffee before you can even allow your colleagues to so much as look at you, but that’s normal, right?

Well, what if I told you Mondays aren’t the problem and Brenda from accounts isn’t either.

The undeniable fact is that you hate your job and probably need a new one.

Not convinced?

See how many of the following “I hate my job” symptoms are true to you:

1. You need more than five hits of the snooze button every morning before you even consider getting up.

From the moment you open your eyes, you are already counting down the 14 hours until you’ll be back in your bed again.

By the time you actually emerge from under your duvet, you’re 30 minutes behind schedule and you have already decided you’re not wearing makeup or doing your hair today.

On the plus side, your boss is so used to you being late every morning, and you’re pretty sure he thinks your working hours are 9:45 to 5:30 now.


2. Your only work friendship is built on your mutual hatred of everyone else there.

You spend the majority of the working day sending ranting texts to each other from five feet apart.

“FML,” “Lord give me strength” and “I don’t get paid enough for this sh*t,” are the basis of all your text conversations.


3. You frequently fantasize about retirement. You’re 26.

You have also started playing the lottery and looking to marry up.

Since keeping your job is the new pay raise, you have to think outside the box when it comes to raising funds.


4. During the workday, you check Facebook more often than you check your work email.

In fact, your office hours spent web surfing is getting out of hand.

When asked to do something, you may look up from your online shopping basket and say, “Can you drop me an email about it please?”

But, what you really mean is, “I’m going to need another three coffees before I’m fully functional.

Send me an email and if I can be bothered, I’ll do it later.”


5. You spend a fair number of your working hours looking for a new job.

When your boss asks you to do something, you reply with, “I’m just in the middle of an important email, I’ll be with you in 10.”

You then casually continue your application process.


6. Your weekends have become the most precious thing in the world to you.

More precious than your family, more precious than your friends and more precious than those shoes you spent half of last month’s pay on.

You constantly congratulate yourself on getting through another month of work.


7. You’re no longer tactful when disagreeing with your boss.

Most of your exchanges hold a sarcastic undertone. Sometimes you remember to smile so he or she can think you’re joking, sometimes you don’t.

You find his or her feelings about you to be somewhat inconsequential anyway.

After all, what’s the worse he could do? Fire you? You should be so lucky.


8. Coffee and wine form the basis of your pre and post-work diet.

Coffee to help you face the day and wine to help you forget it.


9. You avoid after-work office happy hours like the plague.

Especially since your entire relationship with every single member of staff is based on you being too sober to tell them what you actually think of them.

Plus, you already spend eight unwanted hours of the day with these morons; not even alcohol can persuade you to prolong that.

You’d much rather go home, make a cup of tea and seek comfort in the fact another day is over.

But here’s the thing: The average person spends about half of his or her waking life at work.

So, by this logic, if you hate your job, you hate your life.

If you’re unhappy, perhaps it’s time to find a new job that better suits your interests and skills.

Or, if you can’t manage that, at the very least find one that pays well enough that you couldn’t hate it even if you tried.

9 Undeniable Signs You Hate Your Job And It’s Ruining Your Life

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Xclusivetouch present: ALL GONE MAD @ DNA London

All Gone Mad

All Gone Mad

This month, prepare to have your mind blown as event company Xclusivetouch teams up with DNA Club in London to create an unusual and unique immersive party concept.

If you’re looking for a night out with a difference, then take note, because Xclusivetouch are taking clubbing to a whole new level, with a night which will tingle and tease each and every one of your senses.

On the 25th of April 2015, this 8 week pop up concept will be launching at DNA in Clapham, blurring the lines between clubbing, theatre and performance. The aptly named Mad Dames welcome you to step into their mismanaged Asylum where you are responsible for whatever may happen to you next.

Guests will be immersed through sight, smell, sound and touch. If you’re bored with Cosmopolitans, you can switch things up with an experimental cocktail from their laboratory, or simply enjoy the distinctive décor (a mix of raw metal fixtures and neon artwork).

The night also promises two shows, one at Midnight and another at 1am. The theatrical element of these performances will involve a number of acts interacting with the crowd and blurring the lines between performance and clubbing.

This is the ideal concoction on a Saturday night, you can drink, party and immerse in experimental madness.

All gone mad

All gone mad

Event Details:
Place: DNA Club Clapham Grand. 1 St Johns Hill, London, SW11 1TN
Date: 25th April 2015
What To Expect: Experimental Cocktails, Live entertainment, DJ Rockit Riyad – House, Deep House & Commercial club mix.

Click here to book your tickets now.


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Do Less: 10 Annoying Couples Ruining Your Facebook News Feed Daily

It is a widely-accepted fact that the only thing more annoying than overly-affectionate couples in real life are overly-affectionate couples on Facebook.

These couples haunt your every online move.

They’re there during every lunchtime stalking session and they’re there during every casual evening scroll, confirming their unending love for each other, one annoying status at a time.

Though, to be clear, the statuses are just the tip of the very annoying Facebook-relationship-themed iceberg.

When it comes to Facebook couple faux pas, there are a few things that just need to stop:

1. Couples that make joint Facebook accounts

First of all, who gets custody of Facebook if the two of you break up? Second of all, whose birthday is June 17?

Or, should I assume you both share a birthday as well as a personality and a Facebook page?


2. The couple that really should just save that sh*t for text messages

Good night texts, I understand. The need to post goodnight messages on each other’s Facebook walls, I’m not so sure about.

You announce things through Facebook statuses that you could easily tell each other privately. “I had the best night ever with my baby.”

Um peer over to your phone for a moment; is that not him right there? Great, now say it to him and get off my newsfeed.


3. The over-sharers

You know everything from where their last date was, to what she wore to how they got there.

In fact, thanks to the array of pictures and statuses, you kind of feel like a third and very unwilling participant to their relationship.


4. The kissing selfie couples

The only thing harder than enduring these photos in my newsfeed is enduring the array of hashtags that come with them.

#Cute #Couple #InLove #MyBoyfriendIsSuchAHottie #LuckiestGirlInTheWorld


5. The couples that celebrates every “monthiversary” with a photo collage.

I don’t know why InstaCollage was created, but for the love of God, this can’t be it.

If you want to celebrate a monthly milestone of your relationship, please do so privately.

I am willing to hear about your anniversary once a year, which is the same courtesy I extend not only to other couples, but to my own relationships, too.


6. The wedding status whores

Great. Now I’m going to have to like this just so I don’t seem bitter.


7. The on-again-off-again couple

You’ve changed your relationship status more times than Justin Bieber’s been on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.”

Yes, everyone argues, but the rest of us have the decency to at least try to hide it from the rest of the world.


8. The “I can’t believe I’m dating my best friend” couples

Because let me tell you, your actual best friend who just read that, (the one who held your hair while you vomited up your first tequila shot, and the very same one who helped you pick an outfit for your first date with this dude) is not impressed.


9. Couples that uses “bae” when referring to each other.

I want it to end.


10. Couples that comment on every single one of each other’s photos, in case anyone missed the fact they are a couple.

We get it; you are in love and you want to make sure any “single” people who come across your other half’s Facebook page know it.

When it comes to over-sharing couples on Facebook, if you’re single, it’s a little nauseating and if you’re in a relationship, they start to make you wonder if you’re coupling correctly.

The truth is, Facebook couples make us die a little inside because while we’re busy judging them, they’re too busy being too in love to even care.

Though, in all fairness, my issue isn’t so much their inability to go five minutes without clogging up my newsfeed with their love, but rather the fact we all know they’re not doing it for the benefit of their boyfriend or girlfriend, but for the benefit of everyone else.

Do Less: 10 Annoying Couples Ruining Your Facebook News Feed Daily

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10 Things We Wish We Could Say On A First Date But Can’t

They say first dates are like job interviews with cocktails, but would it really be so terrible if that were the case?

In a job interview, you can make your expectations of any candidates abundantly clear. You expect them to be punctual at all times and it’s okay to say so.

After you hire them, you put them on a three-month probationary period without any benefits until said trial period is completed.

When it comes to dating, you want all of the same things, only you can’t say them out loud without being judged.

If we could all just be honest about our expectations from the start, we’d save ourselves the time and effort of dating someone with whom we’re just not that compatible.

If everyone said exactly what they wanted on first dates, we’d probably avoid a hell of a lot of time and heartache down the line.

So, why can’t we just say the truth? Here are 10 first-dates sentiment we wish we had the balls to actually express:

1. “I kiss on a first date. If my tongue isn’t in your mouth by 1 am, it means I’m not interested.”

Saying this sure beats spending the next two weeks avoiding his requests for a second date and sending fake, “work is manic” texts, while you eat ice cream with your friends and give them the details of your incredibly awkward date.


2. “I’m probably never going to agree to a threesome. If you date me, that’s off the table, forever.”

Followed by, “In fact, while we’re on the topic of sex, you should know my boobs aren’t actually this big, I’m wearing a super padded bra, sorry.”


3. “We’re not having sex until our seventh date. Yes I will be counting.”

Roughly translated to, “If you’re only here for the good stuff, you better move along because this, right here, is a packaged deal.”


4. “From this moment on, we are exclusive. If you are dating other people, stop.”

Why is that so hard to say? Surely, if you’ve waxed your legs, put on matching underwear and attempted to eat your pizza with a knife and fork, you’ve made enough effort to warrant fidelity while you enjoy a string of biweekly dates.

In exchange, I’m sure that if he’s paying for your chicken parmesan and making an effort not to look directly at your cleavage (despite your purposely low-cut top), he’d appreciate it if you didn’t spend the other five nights of the week with your tongue in someone else’s mouth. I mean, that’s fair, right?


5. “If at any point in our relationship you decide to ask me how many men I’ve slept with, I will be forced to lie.”

Because there is honestly no right answer. Ultimately, your new man doesn’t want to imagine you with your old man (or men), so any number you offer won’t please him.

So, you decide to lie, blurt out a ridiculously low number, which you then proceed to forget and spend the rest of your relationship hoping to God the conversation never comes up again because two years later, you may not remember whatever fictionalized number you gave, but he sure will.


6. “At the end of this date, I’ll offer to pay half the bill. Be aware, it’s a test.”

While us ladies are more than capable of paying for our own mojitos, we’d rather not. At least not until date number two or three, anyway.

Despite our feeble mumblings about being “happy to split the bill,” the fact of the matter is, he should be kind enough to pay on a first date and in return, we will be gracious enough not to order the most expensive thing on the menu.


7. “My ex took two years to introduce me to his mom. That’s not going to fly this time around.”

If we could be honest about where our last relationships went wrong and use our previous grievances as cautionary tales to subsequent lovers, perhaps we could all stop history from repeating itself.

You can tell him that you expect to meet his family on or before your six-month anniversary and he can tell you he expects to spend every Friday night at the gym with his boys without you complaining about it. Just like that, you both know what to expect from each other.

But, alas, ranting about your last boyfriend to your potential future boyfriend is a pretty bad idea.


8. “Speaking of exes… yours isn’t a problem, is she?”

If you have a past, so does he. While your past may be enjoying the “Game of Thrones” box set you brought him, his ex might still be in the picture.

Is it acceptable to ask? Probably not. Do you even want him thinking about her on your first date? No. Is she fully aware that the two of you are out right now? Probably.

If you go to the toilet, will he check his phone only to find seven missed calls from her? You will never know.

Should you consider her competition? Dear God, you hope not.


9. “Do you think I’m as hot in real life as I am in my Instagram pics?”

If you have Instagram and your profile is not on private, he probably had an extensive pre-date scroll and has seen every one of the 172 photos you posted in the last year.

Instagram filters may be our friends when it comes to getting “likes,” but since you can’t walk around with a permanent Valencia filter on your face, there’s always the fear that when he reports back to his friends you’ll be described as “prettier in pictures.”

This is only made worse by the fact that you don’t even think you’re that photogenic in the first place.


10. “Wait… You are looking for a long-term girlfriend, right?”

Just because a boy takes you on a date doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a girlfriend.

But, since asking what his intentions are before you even finish your first meal together might scare him off, it’s best to just avoid the question and hope that your witty personality and dazzling smile are enough to make him eventually want to change his Facebook status to in a relationship (with you).

Admittedly, when it comes to first dates, what we want to say and what is socially acceptable don’t always correlate, but for the sake of romance (and self-preservation) maybe it is best we keep some things to ourselves. At the very least, until he starts to like you.

10 Things We Wish We Could Say On A First Date But Can’t

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10 Things You Need To Just Accept Before You Can Be Truly Happy

In life, there is no manual or 10-step guide to happiness.

No one can explain why those who seem to have it all sometimes feel empty inside, while others who have almost nothing walk around with a constant smile on their faces.

There is no logical formula for happiness and no tangible item that can promise long-term joy.

Many of us walk through life feeling underwhelmed with our existence, and believing happiness is something of which we are in pursuit, as opposed to something we possess.

We set goals, believing certain things will make us happy: having more money, having that car, buying a house or even those shoes.

Then, once we have said things, we cannot comprehend why we still feel the same. The thing is, no one knows what happiness is or how to achieve it (not even those who have it).

But, if we work around the assumption that happiness is a frame of mind, there are some things we need to work on accepting before we can ever truly achieve it:

1. You can’t control everything — get used to it.

Instead of obsessing about things you can’t change, take control of the things you can.

You can’t follow the same routine and expect a different outcome. In order for your life to change, you have to make some changes.


2. Your life might turn out differently from what you planned or expected.

Everyone has a vision of what life might look like five or 10 years down the line.

Subsequently, every one of us is living in the shadows of our unfulfilled expectations and plans, and we find ourselves saying things like, “I thought I’d be rich by now,” or “I thought I’d be engaged by now.”

The fact of the matter is your life may very well take a different route than what you had envisioned, but just because the journey is different to what you expected, doesn’t mean you won’t reach the same destination in the end.


3. There will always be bumps in the road.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.

Your life is never going to be perfect because there’s no such thing. We spend so much of our time complaining about what could be better, instead of focusing on the things which are pretty damn good.

The truth is you’ll never be happy if you spend too much time focusing on your shortcomings because eventually, they are all you’ll be able to see.


4. There will always be someone whose life is better than yours.

The secret to happiness is to stop comparing yourself to others.


5. Accept that your life is working out exactly how it’s meant to.

We believe things happen for a reason because we have to. The thought that every tiny action is a catalyst to more random events, and that even the smallest decision could change the entire outcome of our future, is too terrifying to contemplate, so don’t.

Let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening — it’s happening for a reason (well, probably).


6. Remember, there’s only so much you can control.

The rest is down to luck and timing. Have faith in your own story; it’s not over yet, and even if you’re unhappy now, there may be a plot twist in chapter 19.


7. You’ve made some mistakes and you’ll probably make some more.

It’s not the end of the world.

Instead of worrying about every small regret, ask yourself, “Will this matter in a year?” If the answer is “no,” then, perhaps, it’s not something you should spend hours worrying about.


8. You can’t keep everyone happy.

If you spend too much time trying to please others, you’ll end up pleasing everyone but yourself.

Learn to say “no” every now and then because, sometimes, you just need to focus on the things important to you.


9. Some things are out of your control — let them happen.

Fighting things you can’t control is a waste of your energy.

You can’t smash a plate and expect to control where the pieces fall. When times are tough, it’s best to let the pieces fall where they may and then work on putting them all back together again.


10. Set some goals, then demolish them.

Life is more exciting when it’s filled with possibilities. Set some goals and then work toward achieving something you want.

While you’re at it, try to remember being happy isn’t about accomplishing everything you have on your to-do list, but how much fun you have while attempting to achieve each and every life goal.

10 Things You Need To Just Accept Before You Can Be Truly Happy

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9 Signs You’ve Become The Jealous Girlfriend Type You Used To Judge

Take a seemingly normal and sane woman and pair her with a player. It’s only a matter of time before she becomes a little unhinged.

The irony of this is that prior to said unhinging, other females, who sent 17 messages in a row to men they dated, were objects of formerly sane woman’s conversational ridicule.

The fact of the matter is, every girl makes fun of other clingy girls — until she becomes one.

When it comes to relationships, some men bring out the best in us, and others bring out the absolute worst.

Whilst I don’t like to place blame (as every relationship differs), I don’t think it’s entirely unfair to say that when a girl likes a guy who is sending mixed signals, it can often result in extreme and irrational female behavior.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Let’s see if this rings a bell. Possible signs include:

1. Checking his WhatsApp more than 30 times a day to see if he’s online.

Let’s set the record straight: Just because you are dating someone and technology permits it does not mean you need to be in contact with each other every waking moment of the day.

If you both replied to each other’s texts instantaneously, you’d have very little time for anything else.

Despite what you may believe, if a man doesn’t reply to your text, his phone hasn’t spontaneously started to reject your messages.

He didn’t accidentally block your number and I’m pretty certain he didn’t “reply but forget to press send.” He got your text; he just can’t reply right now, or simply doesn’t want to.

Stop checking if he’s online, as it’s of no consequence whether or not he is. He will reply when he can talk.


2. You know every girl’s username who has ever commented on one of his Instagram pictures.

And, you stalk them on a regular basis.


3. You’re obsessed with which one of you has the “power” in the relationship.

You create imaginary plans on nights he wants to meet up so you’re not “too available,” and you take note, down to the minute, how long it takes for him to reply to your texts.

Then, you wait even longer to reply to his, so he doesn’t think he’s affecting you. After all, everyone knows the person who cares the least in a relationship is the one who has the power.

Whilst some girls think this is a dating norm, I think the “he took an hour to reply, so I’ll take an hour and ten minutes” is an unhealthy start to any relationship.

In the world of dating, there’s nothing wrong with replying when you’re free, not based around any schedule.


4.You find yourself casually driving past his house to see if he’s home.

Also known as level-one stalking. What do you intend to do if he sees you? Roll your window down and wave? I think not.

Reverse back into your drive and abort mission.


5. You regularly visit his friends’ Facebook walls for any incriminating evidence from their last night out.

You contemplate adding them, in order to gain greater access to his life outside of you.


6. Every time he takes his phone to the toilet with him, you’re convinced it’s because he has something to hide.

It doesn’t occur to you he may just want to scroll through his Instagram feed while on the toilet.

You make it your mission to manage some time alone with his phone so you can hunt for any incriminating evidence.


7. You’ve lied about an ex messaging you to make him jealous.

Because there’s nothing like a bit of jealousy to bring the spark back into the relationship.

There is, of course, a more logical side of you that knows this is wrong, but that side is easily silenced. You tell yourself you need proof he cares and using a little white lie to get it isn’t a big deal.

Not to play devil’s advocate, but it’s usually best to ignore the side of your brain that wants to use lies as a means of relationship progression.

It may start with a little fabrication about an ex, but where will it end? Probably with a false pregnancy scare and too many lies for you to keep track of.


8. You contemplate creating a fake Facebook profile of another woman with which to seduce him.

You know. Just to check and see if he’ll remain faithful.


9. You spend hours analyzing things he says and does with your friends.

If I’ve learned anything from relationships, it’s that when more than two people are involved, disasters ensue.

It’s impossible for your friends to give you unbiased opinions because more often than not, your account of his actions alone is one-sided.

Not to mention, your friends only see a tiny portion of your relationship, so any advice they give you should be taken with a grain of salt and not be considered gospel.

Nothing fuels irrational female behavior like out-of-context advice from other females.

Though, since we’re on the topic of advice, it won’t do any harm to mention that if your relationship causes this level of irate behavior, there’s a chance it may not be the right relationship for you.

9 Signs You’ve Become The Jealous Girlfriend Type You Used To Judge

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How Social Media Has Made Us Obsessed With Making Life Look Perfect

These days, appearances are everything.

People are more concerned with proving to the rest of the world that they’re having the time of their lives than actually enjoying themselves.

The 27 flawless “night out” pictures are more important than the night itself. If a girl purchases a new dress, it’s more likely for a new Facebook profile photo than an actually party.

Not to mention, going out without uploading a new Snapchat story or Instagram picture is inconceivable; without evidence of your escapades, as far as the world is concerned, they didn’t happen.

If you go to a bar, half the people in there will likely be on their phones. If they’re not taking selfies, they’re possibly on Tinder, happily meeting strangers through the Internet while scowling at the real-life ones around them who don’t even think about approaching for a real-life conversation.

As for who you’re actually talking to online, everyone on the Internet is selling you a dream. The thought of uploading a photo that is anything less than perfect is unimaginable, so every picture is taken with precision, the best lighting, best angle and most appealing filter.

Regarding first dates, well, thank God for restaurants with dim lighting. Plus, all that really matters is the hot profile picture he’ll show his friends of the girl he went on a date with, not so much what she actually looked like.

It’s not because his standards are low, but because when you remove the screen, you realize that little imperfections aren’t the end of the world; in fact, they are what make all of us human.

Then, of course, there are the people who have already found someone to love them. These are the ones who are in relationships, offline. For many of these couples, being in love is not enough and a relationship isn’t considered truly successful until it’s on Facebook.

If someone buys you flowers, in exchange, you have to take a picture and upload it. After all, what is the point of being happy if not everyone knows about it?

Singles begin to resent their newsfeeds because they just serve as reminders of an inability to find a partner, let alone someone who buys them flowers and takes them to Paris for the weekend.

Somehow, when faced with endless photos captioned “bae” and littered with love hearts, it’s easy to forget that people only post their best moments and choose to keep all their worst ones private. Your life may fall short of someone’s picture perfect one, but more often than not, so does the life of whomever posted it.

Logic aside, it seems that the success of any relationship is measured by how many pictures you each post with your significant other, and those who never post pictures are assumed to be in miserable relationships, leading unfulfilled lives.

And, it’s not just dating that’s the issue.

Sometimes I wonder if people arrange to meet up with their friends because they miss them or because they haven’t updated their Snapchat stories in six hours and need some new material to prove to the world they’re having a good time.

The fact of the matter is, brag culture has resulted in us being too busy narrating our lives online that we’re forgetting to live them. Trust me, no great story ever started with “Hey, remember that time we took 37 photos in your car…?”

Life is now a popularity contest, and it seems that the popularity is less dependent on how many friends you have and is more a reflection of how many Twitter followers you possess.

Girls upload Instagram pictures and then delete them the next day if they did not receive a sufficient number of “likes” because that alone is considered a reflection of how many people like them in real life.

Don’t let social media fool you. There are people who have hardly any likes on their Instagram pictures, but still have lots of friends, and others with hundreds of likes despite being the loneliest people of all.

There are couples who seldom upload pictures or share online declarations of their love, who are happier than the ones who share every “date night” in your Twitter feed.

There are people who don’t brag, who are halfway to a deposit on their first house and others who are pictured in VIP every Saturday night who don’t have a penny to their names.

So, don’t believe everything you see online because appearances are just that.

How Social Media Has Made Us Obsessed With Making Life Look Perfect

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Small Boobs Struggles: 10 Things Only People With A-Cups Understand

While every woman should love herself exactly as she is, some of us have more to love than others — five or six cups more to be precise.

You see, for every girl in the world with a great rack, there’s another girl out there, for whom the term “cleavage” is some kind of sick joke.

Sadly, puberty did not do its best work with all of us, and many of us are destined to spend our entire adult lives without ever being able to utter the phrase, “My eyes are up here, you know?”

Not quite sure what I mean? Well, there are some things only small-boobed girls can understand.

1. Praying to the food Gods that the fried chicken you just ate goes straight to your boobs and not your thighs (again).

After years of dealing with, “Why don’t you try putting some weight on? I’m sure some of it will go to your boobs,” you finally decide to give it a go.

Despite all your better judgment, you attempt to put on weight in “all the right places.”

Does it work? Of course it doesn’t. Because, if life were that kind to you, it would have just graced you with bigger boobs to begin with.


2. Dating a new guy and wondering if he’ll feel conned once you take your XXL gel bra off.

Which goes hand in hand with having to casually bring up the fact you’re flat-chested on your third date to avoid the disappointment when he eventually takes your push-up bra off and realizes there’s nothing underneath.


3. Avoiding ever lying down naked in the fear they might disappear altogether.

Bra sex is hot, right? If he can keep his socks on, we can keep our bras on and that’s that.


4. Spending your life secretly dreading the day your 13-year-old cousin hits puberty and develops bigger breasts than you.

You’re not entirely sure how unethical it is to hope she got the small boob gene too, but, fingers crossed…


5. Having to resist bitch slapping people who say things like, “You’re so lucky, I bet you don’t even need to wear a bra.”

To be clear, not wearing a bra is pointless because (believe it or not) it only makes them look smaller. Not to mention, I don’t need everyone to know every time I’m feeling a little bit chilly.


6. Convincing your doctor to put you on a contraceptive pill because it might increase your cup size. (It never does.)

If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase, “My boobs have gotten enormous since I went on the pill,” I’d probably be able to afford the breast enlargement surgery I so desperately need.

Though, for the record, breast enlargement by contraceptive pill is largely ineffective; it only ever seems to work on women who have breasts to enlarge (my doctors words, not mine).


7. Having a nice ass but no boobs to match.

If squatting makes your bum bigger, then surely pushups should make your boobs bigger? But, alas, no.

At best, you may end up with super toned boobs, which, in my experience so far, is rarely a quality men look for in women.


8. Having to use your gym membership because if you get fat, your stomach will stick out further than your breasts.

Believe me, that will only make them look smaller by contrast.


9. Boob sex is just never going to happen.

Find a partner who can live with that.


10. Having to deal with larger-breasted people claiming “padded bras are false advertising.”

Well, so is makeup, Photoshop, Spanx and filters on Instagram, but that doesn’t stop the rest of y’all, now does it?

Though, to be fair, the small-breasted life is not all doom and misery. For one, we can sleep on our stomachs without any discomfort.

We can run up the stairs without having to hold down the ladies; we save a fortune in underwear because bras cost like $10, and we will never, ever have to worry about sagging (like seriously, ever).

As if all that wasn’t great enough, you also never have to worry about a guy hitting on you just because of your great boobs. The perks of teeny tiny boobs? He probably just likes you for your great personality or awesome face (go you!).

Plus, if you ever do marry a man who likes big boobs and you’re up for it, you can get him to fork out the 10 grand it’s going to cost for breast augmentation (just claim they’re more for him than they are for you), and save your money for something that really matters, like wine.

…Or larger bras because I’ve heard those things are expensive when you’re not buying them from the Junior Miss section.

Small Boobs Struggles: 10 Things Only People With A-Cups Understand

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A Rookie’s Guide To Getting Fit

I can’t say I have always been interested in being fit or healthy because I haven’t. In fact the only consistent loves of my life are pizza and S’mores.

Then a combination of reaching my mid 20’s and the growing popularity of stretchy leggings as acceptable day attire meant the skinny jeans which once fit, suddenly became another item of clothing destined to hang in my cupboard forever. Or at least until car boot sale season came around and I could flog them for a pound, eradicating all evidence that I was once thin.

Then came the season of Crop Tops and Bralet’s and it dawned on me, that if I ever wanted to get out of leggings and into something non elasticated I was going to have to unhand the box of Oreo cookies and pick up the occasional carrot stick.

If all that sounds a bit too familiar but you don’t know the first thing about getting into shape, well first finish reading this blog and then consider getting someone to advise you on your fitness journey. Mine started with the help of a personal trainer who helped me set realistic goals and told me where I was going wrong; according to him, swapping lunch for chocolate was not an acceptable weight loss technique and upon reflection, perhaps he was right.

But since even a trainer can’t come to your house at 1am and confiscate the cookies from your hands, you have to accept that this journey is going to require some will power.

But first, the basics:

1. Commit To It
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You can’t lose weight on a half-hearted diet. I have been on a life long search of how to stay in shape without making any effort what so ever. It turns out, you can’t.

2. Set A Goal
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Your body goal is something only you can set. No one can tell you what size or shape is right for you. However, if the shape you want is not the shape you have, then set a target and work towards it.

3. Learn How To Eat
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I know what you’re thinking “Learn how to eat? What a load of old tosh. Eating is just about the only thing I do know how to do”. But trust me, eating and eating right are two different things.

Achieving the body you want is 30% exercise and 70% diet. Learn what foods can help maximize your results, cut down on salt and sugar, increase your protein and vegetable intake and don’t be scared of carbs. Excuse the cliché but, a good diet is a balanced one.

4. Exercise
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No, walking from your desk to the office kitchen doesn’t count.

Work out 3 times a week, don’t be afraid of weights and try exercising with a friend for extra motivation. If you make working out fun, you won’t dread it as much, in fact eventually you’ll start to look forward to it.

5. Establish a routine
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On average, it takes more than two months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact. So all  you have to do is stick to it for two months and then it will become part of your life. If you want to maintain a fit and healthy body you have to accept that it’s all about making a positive lifestyle change.

6. Understand where you’re going wrong
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Everyone has a vice; whether it’s too much alcohol, too much sugar or too much snacking on the wrong things, if you’re having trouble achieving your goal weight, you’re probably going wrong somewhere. I found that keeping a food diary was key in identifying where the extra weight was coming from.

Before you begin your diet, considering writing down everything you eat or drink for a week, after all, it’s hard to deny the truth when it’s written in front of you. My vices? Six cups of tea a day with 2 spoons of sugar each. Large meals after midnight and no breakfast resulting in large 11am pre-lunch, lunches.

7. Stop counting calories
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You don’t have to eat less, you just have to eat right. 2,000 daily calories in burgers, chocolate and fizzy drinks is never going to get you where you want. 2000 calories consisting of healthy meals, vegetables and low-fat snacks will.

8. Don’t turn a cheat meal into a cheat day
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Losing weight shouldn’t be slow and painful torture. If you fancy being a little bit bad, go ahead. Just remember that a cheat meal does not need to turn into a cheat day (or a cheat week). Change that “I’ll start on Monday” attitude to “I’ll start after this cupcake” and you’re half way to success. Well, figuratively speaking anyway.

9. Focus on your health, not your weight
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Work towards being a healthier person and the weight will sort itself out. In the mean time, don’t get caught up on what the scales show you, think “fat loss” not “weight loss”.

10. Don’t expect to work out once and wake up with a booty like Beyoncé.
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It just don’t work like that. 

It takes 4 weeks to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice and 12 weeks for the rest of the world. Keep at it and results will come.

As for the personal trainer part, if you’re in the market for someone to help you squat to your ideal bottom size, click here to check out mine.


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The Reason You’re Still Fat: Female Dieting Logic At Its Worst

Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” clearly never understood the beauty of a cupcake. Or wine. Or chocolate. Or pizza. That being said, I’ve tried the “eat everything in sight and hope for a miracle diet” and it was largely ineffective.

In fact, when it comes to losing weight, I think “ineffective” is the operative word, because in the world of dieting, it’s so very easy to go wrong. So very very wrong.

When it comes to female dieting logic, I’ve heard it all (and also said it all) because no one, and I mean no one, can rationalize a calorie away like a woman on a diet can:

“If I skip lunch, I’m allowed a snickers… it’s the same calories as my salad anyway”
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A calorie is a calorie right?! If two donuts have the same calorie content as a super-food salad, who’s to say it matters which of the two we eat… as long as we don’t eat both.

But what about fat content… or sugar content… or… oh you’ve already started eating the donuts. Never mind.

“Sunday is my cheat day”
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Someone who knows about diets: “Cheat day? Do you mean cheat meal?”

Me: “No I mean cheat day. I’ve ruined my diet already so I might as well persevere and eat all the junk food in the house, so there’s nothing left to tempt me tomorrow”.

“Marshmallows and jelly babies are fat-free… so they basically fall into the health food category”
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Now don’t quote me on this, but I’m almost certain strawberry laces are not one of your 5-a-day.

“Liquid calories aren’t really a thing… you pee them right out”
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A glass of wine has the same amount of calories as a large Cornetto ice cream (and let’s be honest, who ever stops at one glass?!). Alcohol contains seven calories a gram, in fact, almost as many as pure fat!

“I’ve got a tight dress to fit into tonight so I’m not eating anything today”
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Yep, done that. Usually followed by a 3am binge of anything and everything I can find. Plus toast. Because even if you get a bargain bucket on your way home… you needs some pre-bed toast. “To soak the alcohol up”.

“I barely eat anything but I’m putting on weight”
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I, like many others, suffer from an increasingly widespread disorder known as “food related memory loss”. This involves eating 7 times a day, but only remembering 3 of them. But the truth is, if you’re putting on weight, you’re probably eating more than you think. Or you’re eating the wrong things.

Don’t believe me? Carry around a diary for one week and write everything you eat in it. The chances are you’ll be coming out as a secret eater by the end of it.

“Everything I eat when I come home after the gym doesn’t count”
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“After you work out, your body continues burning fat for another hour, so anything you eat within that hour doesn’t count. They’re free calories!” – Dumb s**t women say.

“I never eat breakfast… it makes me fat”
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Me for the first 24 years of my life: “I don’t eat breakfast, it awakens my appetite then I can’t stop eating all day”.
20 minutes later: *Eats waffle* “Yeah… this is lunch though. And I deserve it for making it to 1pm without eating”.

“I’ll have cereal for dinner to be healthy. One bowl, two bowl, three bowls… what difference does it make!?”
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30 grams suggested serving size? Yeah I think that’s only for kids though…

“Coke Zero has the same calories as water… therefore it is basically water”
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Look, I’m no health expert, but one thing I know is that if a drink has no calories in it, but still tastes as good as its “full fat” counterpart, they’re putting some crazy s**t in there.

I know it sounds rich coming from the woman who thought alcohol can’t make you fat, but I’m sticking to my guns on this one. Drink some God damn water.

“Carbs are the devil. That bowl of pasta I ate last night is the sole reason for my impending obesity”
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Everything is okay in moderation. Plus, it’s all about eating the right carbs. Oatmeal for breakfast = good. French fries for dinner = bad.

But then, we must ask ourselves… what is life without the occasional fry?


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