10 Things We Wish We Could Say On A First Date But Can’t

They say first dates are like job interviews with cocktails, but would it really be so terrible if that were the case?

In a job interview, you can make your expectations of any candidates abundantly clear. You expect them to be punctual at all times and it’s okay to say so.

After you hire them, you put them on a three-month probationary period without any benefits until said trial period is completed.

When it comes to dating, you want all of the same things, only you can’t say them out loud without being judged.

If we could all just be honest about our expectations from the start, we’d save ourselves the time and effort of dating someone with whom we’re just not that compatible.

If everyone said exactly what they wanted on first dates, we’d probably avoid a hell of a lot of time and heartache down the line.

So, why can’t we just say the truth? Here are 10 first-dates sentiment we wish we had the balls to actually express:

1. “I kiss on a first date. If my tongue isn’t in your mouth by 1 am, it means I’m not interested.”

Saying this sure beats spending the next two weeks avoiding his requests for a second date and sending fake, “work is manic” texts, while you eat ice cream with your friends and give them the details of your incredibly awkward date.


2. “I’m probably never going to agree to a threesome. If you date me, that’s off the table, forever.”

Followed by, “In fact, while we’re on the topic of sex, you should know my boobs aren’t actually this big, I’m wearing a super padded bra, sorry.”


3. “We’re not having sex until our seventh date. Yes I will be counting.”

Roughly translated to, “If you’re only here for the good stuff, you better move along because this, right here, is a packaged deal.”


4. “From this moment on, we are exclusive. If you are dating other people, stop.”

Why is that so hard to say? Surely, if you’ve waxed your legs, put on matching underwear and attempted to eat your pizza with a knife and fork, you’ve made enough effort to warrant fidelity while you enjoy a string of biweekly dates.

In exchange, I’m sure that if he’s paying for your chicken parmesan and making an effort not to look directly at your cleavage (despite your purposely low-cut top), he’d appreciate it if you didn’t spend the other five nights of the week with your tongue in someone else’s mouth. I mean, that’s fair, right?


5. “If at any point in our relationship you decide to ask me how many men I’ve slept with, I will be forced to lie.”

Because there is honestly no right answer. Ultimately, your new man doesn’t want to imagine you with your old man (or men), so any number you offer won’t please him.

So, you decide to lie, blurt out a ridiculously low number, which you then proceed to forget and spend the rest of your relationship hoping to God the conversation never comes up again because two years later, you may not remember whatever fictionalized number you gave, but he sure will.


6. “At the end of this date, I’ll offer to pay half the bill. Be aware, it’s a test.”

While us ladies are more than capable of paying for our own mojitos, we’d rather not. At least not until date number two or three, anyway.

Despite our feeble mumblings about being “happy to split the bill,” the fact of the matter is, he should be kind enough to pay on a first date and in return, we will be gracious enough not to order the most expensive thing on the menu.


7. “My ex took two years to introduce me to his mom. That’s not going to fly this time around.”

If we could be honest about where our last relationships went wrong and use our previous grievances as cautionary tales to subsequent lovers, perhaps we could all stop history from repeating itself.

You can tell him that you expect to meet his family on or before your six-month anniversary and he can tell you he expects to spend every Friday night at the gym with his boys without you complaining about it. Just like that, you both know what to expect from each other.

But, alas, ranting about your last boyfriend to your potential future boyfriend is a pretty bad idea.


8. “Speaking of exes… yours isn’t a problem, is she?”

If you have a past, so does he. While your past may be enjoying the “Game of Thrones” box set you brought him, his ex might still be in the picture.

Is it acceptable to ask? Probably not. Do you even want him thinking about her on your first date? No. Is she fully aware that the two of you are out right now? Probably.

If you go to the toilet, will he check his phone only to find seven missed calls from her? You will never know.

Should you consider her competition? Dear God, you hope not.


9. “Do you think I’m as hot in real life as I am in my Instagram pics?”

If you have Instagram and your profile is not on private, he probably had an extensive pre-date scroll and has seen every one of the 172 photos you posted in the last year.

Instagram filters may be our friends when it comes to getting “likes,” but since you can’t walk around with a permanent Valencia filter on your face, there’s always the fear that when he reports back to his friends you’ll be described as “prettier in pictures.”

This is only made worse by the fact that you don’t even think you’re that photogenic in the first place.


10. “Wait… You are looking for a long-term girlfriend, right?”

Just because a boy takes you on a date doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a girlfriend.

But, since asking what his intentions are before you even finish your first meal together might scare him off, it’s best to just avoid the question and hope that your witty personality and dazzling smile are enough to make him eventually want to change his Facebook status to in a relationship (with you).

Admittedly, when it comes to first dates, what we want to say and what is socially acceptable don’t always correlate, but for the sake of romance (and self-preservation) maybe it is best we keep some things to ourselves. At the very least, until he starts to like you.

10 Things We Wish We Could Say On A First Date But Can’t

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Small Boobs Struggles: 10 Things Only People With A-Cups Understand

While every woman should love herself exactly as she is, some of us have more to love than others — five or six cups more to be precise.

You see, for every girl in the world with a great rack, there’s another girl out there, for whom the term “cleavage” is some kind of sick joke.

Sadly, puberty did not do its best work with all of us, and many of us are destined to spend our entire adult lives without ever being able to utter the phrase, “My eyes are up here, you know?”

Not quite sure what I mean? Well, there are some things only small-boobed girls can understand.

1. Praying to the food Gods that the fried chicken you just ate goes straight to your boobs and not your thighs (again).

After years of dealing with, “Why don’t you try putting some weight on? I’m sure some of it will go to your boobs,” you finally decide to give it a go.

Despite all your better judgment, you attempt to put on weight in “all the right places.”

Does it work? Of course it doesn’t. Because, if life were that kind to you, it would have just graced you with bigger boobs to begin with.


2. Dating a new guy and wondering if he’ll feel conned once you take your XXL gel bra off.

Which goes hand in hand with having to casually bring up the fact you’re flat-chested on your third date to avoid the disappointment when he eventually takes your push-up bra off and realizes there’s nothing underneath.


3. Avoiding ever lying down naked in the fear they might disappear altogether.

Bra sex is hot, right? If he can keep his socks on, we can keep our bras on and that’s that.


4. Spending your life secretly dreading the day your 13-year-old cousin hits puberty and develops bigger breasts than you.

You’re not entirely sure how unethical it is to hope she got the small boob gene too, but, fingers crossed…


5. Having to resist bitch slapping people who say things like, “You’re so lucky, I bet you don’t even need to wear a bra.”

To be clear, not wearing a bra is pointless because (believe it or not) it only makes them look smaller. Not to mention, I don’t need everyone to know every time I’m feeling a little bit chilly.


6. Convincing your doctor to put you on a contraceptive pill because it might increase your cup size. (It never does.)

If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase, “My boobs have gotten enormous since I went on the pill,” I’d probably be able to afford the breast enlargement surgery I so desperately need.

Though, for the record, breast enlargement by contraceptive pill is largely ineffective; it only ever seems to work on women who have breasts to enlarge (my doctors words, not mine).


7. Having a nice ass but no boobs to match.

If squatting makes your bum bigger, then surely pushups should make your boobs bigger? But, alas, no.

At best, you may end up with super toned boobs, which, in my experience so far, is rarely a quality men look for in women.


8. Having to use your gym membership because if you get fat, your stomach will stick out further than your breasts.

Believe me, that will only make them look smaller by contrast.


9. Boob sex is just never going to happen.

Find a partner who can live with that.


10. Having to deal with larger-breasted people claiming “padded bras are false advertising.”

Well, so is makeup, Photoshop, Spanx and filters on Instagram, but that doesn’t stop the rest of y’all, now does it?

Though, to be fair, the small-breasted life is not all doom and misery. For one, we can sleep on our stomachs without any discomfort.

We can run up the stairs without having to hold down the ladies; we save a fortune in underwear because bras cost like $10, and we will never, ever have to worry about sagging (like seriously, ever).

As if all that wasn’t great enough, you also never have to worry about a guy hitting on you just because of your great boobs. The perks of teeny tiny boobs? He probably just likes you for your great personality or awesome face (go you!).

Plus, if you ever do marry a man who likes big boobs and you’re up for it, you can get him to fork out the 10 grand it’s going to cost for breast augmentation (just claim they’re more for him than they are for you), and save your money for something that really matters, like wine.

…Or larger bras because I’ve heard those things are expensive when you’re not buying them from the Junior Miss section.

Small Boobs Struggles: 10 Things Only People With A-Cups Understand

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The 9 Bunny Boiler Moves Every Woman Makes When She’s Being Ignored

Nothing makes a women more mentally imbalanced than having to wait by her phone for a text. And the longer it takes to get a reply, the more irrational we seem to become.

The first port of call is always the ‘best friend’ who is on hand with logical advice which you totally intend on ignoring. “Maybe he’s busy, or at work. Maybe his phone ran out of battery, or he’s testing you to see if you’ll go nuts. Try not to think about it, he’ll text back soon”.

And you’re nodding like:

Jennifer Anniston Nodding

But then as soon as you’re left to your own devices, all that great advice somehow gets forgotten and you’re back to trying to come up with your own brilliant ideas for making him text back faster.

For the record, cross the following off your “maybe I should” list because trust me you shouldn’t. That is, unless you have been given any indication that this particular gentleman is slightly turned on by clingy and or desperate women.

1. Don’t Send Him 7 Increasingly Hysterical Texts Over 2 Days.
Crazy Girls Clingy GIF

Despite what you want to allow yourself to believe, his phone hasn’t spontaneously started to reject your messages. He didn’t accidentally block your number and I’m pretty certain he didn’t “reply but forget to press send”.

Whatever your logic, it’s wrong. He got your text, he just can’t reply right now, or simply doesn’t want to. Sending more texts is unlikely to help.

And for the record, re-sending the same message again is also pretty ridiculous. “Oh maybe he’ll think my phone just sent it twice accidentally”. Yes, maybe. Or, maybe he’ll think you’re insane.

2. Don’t Leave A Voice Mail
Awkward Gif phone call clingy

Cute voicemails are only cute when they aren’t preceded by three unanswered texts. If he’s ignoring you and you’re leaving adorable messages for him, you just seem a little desperate. And I was being nice when I said “a little”.

3. Do Not Get Your Friend To Call Him From Unknown Number
Mean Girls GIF

Classic girl move. After obsessing over the fact he hasn’t replied, you decide to put him through the “does he have his phone with him” test. Of course he’s with his phone! Is there anyone in this day and age who spends more than an hour apart from their beloved smart phone? Unless he was mugged (unlikely) he has his phone with him.

So if your plan is to call him from an unknown number, then act enraged when he picks up, I’m telling you, save those unlimited minutes and don’t bother. Whatever the reason for his silence, it is not that he is phone-less.

4. Don’t Drunk Dial
Closure Friends Rachel

Don’t call him after three glasses of wine to tell him what an idiot he is. You’re going for class and sophistication, not desperation and alcoholism.

By all means have your wine fest, go ahead and drunkenly bitch to your friends about what a “child” he’s being, but first put your phone somewhere, where drunk you can’t reach it. Sadly, “it wasn’t me, it was the vodka” is rarely accepted as an adequate excuse for drunk dialing.

5. DO NOT DO A DRIVE BY HIS HOUSE
Cher clueless oopst car drive

This move is also known as the “what the f*** is he doing, that he can’t stop for two seconds and text me back?”

First I must ask you, what possible difference could his location make to this situation? The beauty of mobile technology, is that it really doesn’t matter where the hell he is.

Secondly, what do you intend to do if he sees you? Roll your window down and wave? I think not… reverse back into your drive and abort mission.

6. Do Not Inbox Him On Facebook To Ask If He Got Your Texts
Phoebe Friends Stop The Madness Facebook

“Hey babe, did you get my text” roughly translates to “Hey babe, I’ve been sitting by my phone for 13 hours and if you don’t reply soon, I’m going to have an emotional meltdown and change my Facebook status to It’s Complicated“.

Don’t be that girl.

7. Don’t Try To “Casually” Bump Into Him
Barney Crazy Happenstance

What’s that? He tweeted that he was going to the pub and you just happened to bump into him there? This ones a total mystery, surely he’ll never put two and two together! That is, unless he didn’t have a partial lobotomy earlier that day.

8. Don’t Like All His Instagram Pictures While You Wait For A Reply
Britney hot

Pandering to his ego won’t help. Your 3 texts in a row already made it obvious that you like him. I promise you the issue is that you haven’t made your feelings clear enough.

9. Don’t Message His Friends To Ask Him To “Call You”
Call me

Because the only thing worse than him thinking you’re a bit clingy, is his friends thinking it too. Men who lack their own opinions, tend to just develop those of their friends. Plus, if he isn’t texting you, it’s unlikely his friends will take your side instead of his. When it comes to getting his boys involved… avoid avoid avoid.

I know you have images of them going back to him with a “why aren’t you texting her, she’s such a nice girl”. But guys don’t do that. The closest you’ll get is: “how did that chick you’re dating get my number?”

So now we’ve gone through what you can’t do, here’s what you can: Stop starring at your phone, stop checking to see if you’ve lost signal, stop asking your friends to text you to test if they’re coming through. Go out, enjoy your life.

I guarantee he’ll reply eventually, usually with a half baked excuse which you may or may not choose to believe, that parts totally up to you.

 


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The 9 Ridiculously Annoying Things Single Girls Always Say To Their Friends In Relationships

The thing about dating someone, is that everyone has someone to say about it. Your family, your friends, even your Facebook acquaintances have an opinion on the matter and they’re damn sure going to share it with you. One way or another.

Don’t get me wrong, being in a relationship has its perks. But if Ross and Rachel have taught us anything it’s that relationships… can be hard.

One minute it’s all:
Ross Rachel Romance Gif Kissing Friends

And next thing you know it’s:
Ross We Were on a break phoebe rachel friends gif relationships

Then somewhere between contemplating why he’s yet to introduce you to his mum and wondering if you crazy kids are going to survive his Summer holiday to Marbella, you also have the added annoyance of your friends. Who are always so supportive during dates 1, 2 and 3 and then proceed to become subtle hecklers throughout the remainder of the relationship.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Let’s see if any of these sound familiar:

1. “When’s the wedding”roll eyes gif

Somewhere between the three and seven month mark, the wedding jibes begin. “I can’t wait till you’re married” and “can I be your bridesmaid” as if the prospect of dating in your twenties without the deep and desperate desire for a bit of Tiffany bling on your finger is preposterous.

2. “OMG You’re going on holiday together? He’s definitely going to propose”
Emma Watson Smoking Stressing me Out gif

According to your friends: you’re going to dinner? He’s going to propose. You’re going on holiday? He’s going to propose. He pauses too long outside H.Samuel one day, he’s going to propose.

They’re probably just trying to prove to you that they’re cool as a cucumber about the fact you’re settling down and they’re still on Tinder. Not that that makes it any less annoying.

3. “You’ve changed”
Heidi The Hills Spencer Change People GIF

Dating someone is kind of a change.

You have to make some time in your already busy schedule to see another person. You sometimes have to make compromises about things you really don’t want to compromise on. And every now and then you have to pretend to be a little more angelic than you actually are.

But then leaving University changes you, getting a new job changes you even going on holiday changes you. Life is full of changes and everything would be a lot easier if everyone just accepted that change is not always a bad thing.

4. “What do you have to be miserable about? You have someone”
single girls relationships orange country housewives gif

Stressed about work? About the fact you have no money? About the fact you’re parents want to start charging you rent, which is preposterous because lets face it, if you could afford rent you’d have moved out by now.

Well you’re worries aren’t all that important, because at least you’re in love. Their worries are greater because on top of all the above, they have to worry about the fact the guy they went on a date with 3 days ago still hasn’t text.

5. “Why are you going gym… you HAVE a man, you don’t need to impress anyone”
relationship weight gain food icecream gif

It is a common belief among the single that if you’re in a steady relationship you no longer have to shave, wax, worry about your weekly burger consumption or so much as put mascara on before venturing out the house.

A word to the wise, it’s that kind of thinking that gets you thrown back into the single pool. Go sort that bikini line out, he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he loves your excess hair.

Not to mention that implying you don’t need to go to the gym once you’re in a relationship, is like implying that you only need to be attractive to secure a man. And don’t even get me started about what I think of that.

6. “You don’t understand… you have someone”
parks and rec april angry gif

Your single friend goes on a bad date and proceeds to act like it’s the end of the world, so you do the only thing a best friend knows how to do. Tell her that he was a douche and that she’ll meet someone better soon.

If you were single she would appreciate your advice. But because you’re not you get verbally slapped with the “you don’t get it… you have someone”. As though the three consecutive years of singleness that preceded your relationship no longer count.

7. “But you saw him last weekend…”
Notebook somebody gets hurt gif alley

Erm, I don’t know if you’re aware but being in a relationship is kind of a weekly deal.

The real dating struggle is time management. Making time for your friends and your boyfriend and hoping to God no important events clash on the same Saturday night, because if they do you’re screwed one way or the other. Pick your friends and it’s “you’re always picking your friends over me”. Pick your boyfriend and it’s “but you were out with him last week”.

8. “Does he have any single friends… Maybe we should double date”
Robin how i met your mother double date gif humour fire

“OMG set me up”. Seems lovely in theory, you and your bestie, dating besties. In reality it probably won’t work out and you’ll have to deal with your friends hating his friends for the rest of your relationship.

9. “Girls in relationships never go out any more”
big fat lie gif orange county

Single girl logic:

If a single girl doesn’t go out because she’s broke… she hasn’t gone out because she’s broke. If a girl in a relationship doesn’t go our because she’s broke… she hasn’t gone out because she has a boyfriend.

Slap a bitch blonde cougar town gif

So in the single vs taken divide, let’s set the record straight. Being alone can sometimes be dull and sometimes be fabulous. Same goes with dating someone. So maybe the best thing to do, is not base happiness on whether you have someone or not, but on all the other things in life, which don’t evolve around a man.

The post The 9 Ridiculously Annoying Things Single Girls Always Say To Their Friends In Relationships appeared first on Xclusive Touch.

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Sold My Soul To The Devil For A Job.

As of 2006, ambitious women the world over watched as a Meryl Streep type Anna Wintour invaded their screens, reminding them that a modern day love story, can be just as much about a job as it can be about a man.

Girls are no longer raised to polish oven doors, we’re here to work. Don’t get me wrong, I know my way around a turkey baster as well as the next Nigella Lawson, but I was brought up knowing I had to work, and since statistically we spend 99,117 hours of our lives doing just that, I figured I might as well get the job that I want. Unfortunately for me, so did everyone else.

Everyone seems to be looking for a job, yet no one seems to know what wins in the battle between industry experience and education. Take it from me, who has tried both, having the right contacts wins hands down every time. Instead of complaining about it, you just accept the hierarchy of the working world, and start from the bottom. The bottom of course, being unpaid.

The chances are life will throw you a lifeline eventually, even if it is a minimum wage one. You take it of course, because let’s face it, a few thousand a year, is better than no thousand at all.

Before you disagree with me, I must admit it’s not just the career aspect of ’The Devil Wears Prada’ that caught my interest. It’s was the Chanel. And the Prada of course. Definitely the Prada. I need shoes, and not just for my own vanity, no, I need them to make a good impression on that next job interview, waiting just around the corner.

Also if like myself, being able to afford to move out before the age of forty seems an appealing prospect, you must embrace the jobs which pay badly, just as much as the ones which pay well.

As for my soul. That was sold a long time ago. I could blame the companies which take us in under their umbrella, fully qualified, yet working for free. One volunteer after the other, all of them getting the job done, not one asking for a penny, because having the experience on the CV is payment enough.

I could even blame the boss, who pays you too little despite demanding so much. Yes, he definitely deserves a mention.

Not because they are the reason I will soon be purchasing from the very charity shops I once donated to. Or for the lines around my eyes which no Sainsbury’s bought home facial can seem to eradicate. But because they gave me the first taste of what success could taste like, and I kind of liked it.


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Brains v Beauty

First of all, let it be known, I can be pretty stupid sometimes.

Image from: http://www.cellphone-wallpapers.net/

I mean I can’t spell to save my life (in fact I have spell-check to thank for my degree) and just yesterday I had to ask my mum if Capers were those little fish things (turns out I meant sardines). So perhaps I am being slightly liberal by putting myself in the ‘Brains’ category, but for the sake of my argument, lets just go with it.

Now I’ve done my research. And most guys want both: Brains and Beauty. I don’t blame them, hell I agree with them. But let’s be honest sometimes the world’s just not that kind.

When forced to make a choice, general consensus was (insert manly voice here) “brains every time because we love a girl who can carry a conversation”. I can almost hear the world-wide sigh of relief while mascara wands are being put down the nation over. So being able to carry a conversation is sexy now? 1 point to me.

Of course that’s all very well in theory. And I know the female population isn’t exactly divided into two categories ’hot’ or ‘not’. One man’s Angelina Jolie may be another’s Susan Boyle (sorry Susan). But the fact of the matter is I’ve never heard of a model or an actress incapable of finding herself a boyfriend. But a doctor, a nurse, a female comedian? Different matter altogether.

Sometimes we like to flatter ourselves and say that men can’t handle strong opinionated women. But then I remember my mum’s married, and they don’t come much more opinionated than her. So that definitely can’t be the problem.

The real issue is, that the men who claim they don’t like beautiful girls probably feel this way because they think, they’d never be able to get one anyway. As for the rest of them? These men who say they like to be ‘intellectually stimulated’. Well lets face it, when you’re talking to a group of girls on a night out. Which one do you remember? The one with the banter? Or the one with the great face and huge tits? Say it. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. If I was standing next to someone with a face like Jesse Williams, no amount of wit and charm would distract me either.

You see in theory most guys do want a funny girl they can talk football to and argue about which Lord of the Rings film was better. In practically we haven’t evolved all that much from the caveman days. And nothing gets those clubs swinging like a sexy little slave girl who knows her way around the cave. And by cave I mean bedroom.

Of course none of us would ever admit to being this fundamentally shallow. When asked, 90% of us will pick ‘personality’ over ‘looks’ every time. Which is lovely. And would be even lovelier if it were true.

In actuality, pre-marriage, people don’t pick their partners based on their mutual liking for late night spooning sessions and staring into each others eyes. You pick them based on how much of a sexy-beast you’d look, standing next to them. But don’t worry about it. You can all continue to chat up the sexiest girl who’ll listen. And in turn we’ll all continue applying make-up and wearing push up bras and pretending we’re naturally this pretty.

I mean lets face it, when you start dating a new girl, your friends will ask to see a picture of her. Not hear a recent joke she’s told you. And whether you want it to or not, it starts to matter.


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